Paying our respect and its expectations.

In Asian's community, Filial Peity is a tradition or a virtue of paying respect to our old folks or ancestors.To be specific, our parents. It is a known tradition where as grown up, we are supposed to take care of our parents in any way that we can; to be there helping them out physically, financially and last but not least, emotionally.

Growing up, I was brought up with an expectation that I should study hard so that I could make enough money and take care of my parents. Although it was not laid out to be that blatant, but psychologically, we have this thinking that we want to be able to make enough money so that we can repay our parents back for all their hard work and all the hardships that they went through raising us up.

This concept is entrenched in our brain and we can't escape it.

As much as I am against the idea of putting such burden and expectations to a child, this is a norm in our community. The sense of pride and achievement one can get when they are able to provide for their parents is beyond explanation.

As for me, I help as much as I can. My parents are not expecting anything much but at their age, the simplest sentiment that I have for them is that they should no longer have to worry about paying the bills. Financially, my parents are doing ok because between me and my brothers, we have our own area of responsibilities. Although my dad has enough pension money for his use, my brothers and I also have collective allowance that we set aside every month for them. Whatever that could ease their mind, we will take care of it.

Unfortunately, being able to provide them with financial support, isn't always the ideal case. Since they are getting old by the day, we are also worried about their health and whether someone is close enough  if something bad happen. I think I am lucky that my aunties and uncles are closed by but at the back of my head, I always worry about these small things - the unforeseen circumstances and the what-ifs. The best that I can do it is to call them up and ask about their day and their well being.

When I go back to visit them, I will help my mom clean her house, get things organised and buy household items that could last them until my next visit. But of course, surrounded by other shallow minded and stupid people, those people tend to highlight our (my brothers and I) weaknesses.

- how we only managed to go back few months once.
- they instill fear and guilt about if anything were to happen to my parents, we won't be able to be there on time.
- how their kids are always there for them, live with them and take care of them.

You know,  am sure if  my mom or my dad hear about this on a daily basis, they will tend to "feel" the same way.  I know I will.

This is when the internal conflicts start pouring in.

- We were asked to study hard, get a nice job and be "somebody". Now we  are being compared to someone who is not doing so well in life (as in job),  still stay with their parents of which automatically makes it convenient for them to take care of their parents (or maybe the parents are taking care of them..who knows)

- I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I can live with them under one roof. We are all grown ups now and we tend to bicker on so many things. We have different views on how things or life should be. It is quite unimaginable to see myself living with them anymore. We will miss each other more if we haven't seen each other in a while and when we are far apart. I want to keep it that way in order to make the relationship / closeness / arrangement work.

- I love the sentiment of taking care of our parents, I do want to take care of them. But, they had the chance to live their lives well back then and I think it is quite unfair if we are now expected to just drop everything and dedicate our life for their need. There should be some balance. I want to be able to be there for them and at the same time, I want to do things for myself.

These are only my thoughts. My opinions. I don't actually talk about these issues with my parents because I know they never really have any complaints and most importantly, I don't want to hurt their feelings. I know for the fact that even my dad wouldn't want me to stay with them. But you know, we think about stuff people say every now and then.
 
It's okay for people to think that I might not be an ideal child for my parents. All I need is for my parents to feel that I am an OK daughter for them because I love them with all my heart and I would do anything for them. Just at times, expectations can really kill the symbiosis that we have going on.

My dad and his Monster Beats Headphone by Dre. :)

 

Why Bali..

I miss blogging.

Many knows that I love traveling and I specially love Indonesia, to be more precised - Bali. I have been to Bali for almost 10 times for the past 7 years or so. My adventure with Bali started when I was still very "adventurous". The first time I was there, I was so busy discovering all the fun things that Bali had to offer. I learned surfing and hung out with new found friends, partying all night. For the next few years, after my first visit, it was pretty much consisted of the same repeated things; surfing, partying, surfing, partying. Although it was really fun, but it was never without a tinge of regret. I partied hard with my friends in Bali back then, every morning I woke up with a hangover and immediately promised myself not to do it again. But when the night came, we went out and did it all over again.*shakes head*

But after a few times going back for the same thing, I got tired. I figured I need a change and we decided to head to Ubud, where the pace is much slower. It was probably because age was catching up with me.

When i first came to Ubud, all that I could think of was,

"If there's heaven, The Balinese there are the ones that deserve to be in it."

Majority of the people in Bali are Hindus but what is interesting about them, especially the one in Ubud, is how they embraced and assimilated the religion with their eclectic culture and old pagan practices. Every act a Balinese does is seen as an offering and their devotion to God - on how they take every day as God's gift and seem to be so content with what they have. They start their day with a prayer and they also end it with one. They are the friendliest bunch and they always make me smile. They always tell me to take things easy and they always say that worldly things are just that - things.

They make me appreciate my religion more and make me think of all the things that God has given me all these while, and all the things that I take for granted.

I have always appreciate good paintings and pretty art things but before Ubud, it was just a simple admiration. Nothing more than that. There, when everyone seemed to walk around buying arts and trinkets to take home as souvenirs, I chose to mindlessly scoured around the area soaking up on all the chaotic vibes of the art market and learned to appreciate what they have to offer in terms of creativity . I also learned about their daily struggle to provide for their families.

Tip for buyer : You want to be the first one to arrive at their shop because you will be considered as good business omen and they would usually give in at whatever price that you are asking for. But do consider the fact that they making a living out of this. Do not take advantage out of this scenario.

That was when I learned that as a traveler, you are somewhat obligated to contribute to their well being by actually spending money in  buying their products and hire them for their services - drivers, masseur, tour guide and whatnot. I know most of us like to travel cheap, but in comparison of what we have and what they need - there is a big gap of what's important. Throughout my journey there, I have made friends with many art sellers and struggling artists. I brought back many of their paintings for my own collection, for my friends and also my relatives. It was the sense of contribution that made all the  money and time spent worth all its while.

Since then on, when my friends knew that I was going to Bali, they requested and asked me to buy them paintings - based on what they need and what works for their home. They encouraged me to start a business as an art buyer and it has now turned into a small business. Every time I go to there, I would walk around and be on the look out for small galleries or small village art shops where the artist sells their own artwork. I don't haggle to get the cheapest price because I know how much time and effort has been put into making these arts. Some of them actually confessed that they sometimes googled the things that they want to paint to get some inspiration, work on the images and try to make it their own. I appreciate their honesty. Truth be told - I don't mind it at all. We get inspiration from whatever that could inspire us - whether it's the internet or our surroundings. Whatever that floats your boat.

I have found a place where I can go back at any time if I need to. Ubud offered me a sense of calm and serenity that I had never experienced before. I was not there because I wanted to shop or to search for what's fun. All I wanted at that point of time was an escape. And that was exactly what I experienced in Ubud. Now, although it seems that am going back there again and again for business, but it never  really feels that way. I love what I do for my friends and customers as much as I admire the Balinese and all those lovely souls that I get to call friends. Gianyar province, where Ubud in located, thrives on handcrafts, stone and wood carvings, paintings and musics. It is in their blood and it is their most proud heritage. It is not easy to live and get by in these areas of Indonesia,  but what they lack in materialism, they offset it with spiritualism and a good heart.

The sister that I never had.

Growing up with 4 brothers was quite a challenge. My girl friends that I confided in, would usually be my mom or my aunties. This is the reason why we have such a strong bond with each other. We grew up together, we helped each other in need, then and now.

I was later blessed with little girls as cousins, and now, nieces. I have never felt awkward with them although I was the only girl in the house, and the youngest. Some would be surprise at my maternal instinct, given the circumstances. I helped my aunties / uncles / brothers babysit their kids, back then, to earn some money and of course, to be in their good book.

But for one particular cousin, I actually helped raising her. She was brought to the world when I was in Uni and I practically went back and forth so that I could cuddle and play with her, whenever I have the time during weekends, and on term breaks. She is the daughter of one of my aunties, the one that I'm really close with.I was doing all the motherly chores when I visited them. I woke up late at night to attend to her needs, bathed her and such. So, rather than being a cousin, I felt like a sister, a big sister that was protecting my little baby sister. At times, I felt like a mother to her. I love her that much.

Both of us, we always have this connection. Growing up, she wanted me to do all the things for and with her. Helped her studying, went shopping together. Took her out on a holiday, goofing around doing silly stuff. Every time I went back to my hometown during school holidays, I would stopped by her parents' place to pick her up so we can spend time together.

But that was when she was still a kid. She is now 14 and have a life of her own. She is now busy with many school and social activities, she hardly have the time to spend with me. She no longer wants to follow me to wherever I want to go or to take or drive her anywhere. She has this and that, and she would rather spend time with her friends than me.

Well, I guess that was the part and parcel of life. Now I know why mothers would like the kids to be kids for as long as they can. Because growing up will leave your heart hollow. And I'm just the sister. I wonder how my Auntie feels like.

I dreamed of hugging and kissing her when she was about 3  to 4 years old, last night. How she ran towards me and gave me this huge bear hug as if she could crush my bones to pieces. She then gave me a peck on my cheek and said, " I Love You."

Nowadays, I would consider myself lucky if I could get an I Love You, at the end of her text.

I must have missed her so much.

Of Internet and Kids.

It is entirely normal for us to constantly want to check for updates on our Twitter and FB. That is mainly the reason why push email and real time updates or refresh rates being deployed on these platforms.

I've noticed lately that all of these online platforms have also came up with page statistics and review reports; how many weekly hits that your page is getting and etc; and some more, in chart forms. This is some sort of a process that validates your existence in the virtual world. Telling you that you are noticed, attractive (in many sense there is), and most importantly, your net worth online - your value.

The number of hits, or even RTs, you are getting is directly proportionate to how "famous" you are. This sort of endless validation process; and the fact that it actually makes you feel significant, and that you matter; is what keeps these social platforms going strong.

It is scary to think that my nieces, nephew, cousins growing up having developed a fixation to attract people to validate their existential being. I don't want them to have so much of false confidence that borderlines arrogance. I don't want them to think that their constant crave for attention is a good thing.I don't want them to be online, just because every one else is.

Until now, I am able to sway myself off the virtual temptations every now and then. To be able to fall back to books or even the idiot box, is  liberating. I don't have the need to refresh the pages to know what's new and what's hot. Although sometimes, I do feel that I was missing something good that was happening when I was not checking, but immediately after the next refresh rate, all that feeling was gone.

I'm not saying that this social platform is a bad thing. But how do you limit these teenagers? I'm always at the crossroads when trying to decide whether they can use my computer or my tab whenever they come over. I want them to feel that I'm trusting them with internet, but I don't want them to feel that, they just "HAVE" to access the internet whenever they have the chance.

God, the conflict of having to deal with growing up kids and teenagers and I have many of them too. The cousins, the nephew, the nieces.

The small cosy one.

My first apartment.. it wasn't entirely mine to begin with. The ground work was instigated by my eldest brother and all I had to do was to "agree" on it. He was the one who searched for the location,  chose the apartment that he thought would suit me and of course, was within my means (given my salary at that point of time).

The thing about my brother is, he always think that he is the saviour for all of us; the rest of his siblings; and being an opportunist, I couldn't agree more. Lol. He is the responsible and good-hearted; generous to boot; rich brother. I'm forever thankful for him. So when he offered to "buy" an apartment for me, I said OK. (In my defense, if I had said no, I'm pretty sure that I'd be deemed fit (financially) and no longer entitle for any favour or assistance, and who in their right mind want to do that? LOL)

I moved into the new apartment in 2008 and it was already renovated because I was not in the country when the developer completed the project. I think my brother thought that he was being nice (and he was) by forking out all the money upfront to renovate the apartment. Well, although many was not up for me to decide (you know, not being there and all), there was nothing much that I could do except to move in and think about what I can do to make the apartment feel like "mine".

With little money I had in my savings, I started to furnish only the important part of my home. The bedroom, the living room and the kitchen. (not much of a kitchen if you ask me because i bought a single burner stove just so I could cook something easy if need be for a start.But now a full-fledge stove + oven although it has not been fully utilised yet..lol. lazy I know). Lucky me, because I have this habit of keeping all the good furniture in good condition and with the built-in fitting of the wardrobe and whatnot, there's not much to buy but to recycle and reuse of what I already owned.

I'm quite frugal when it comes to buying things for the apartment and quite picky as well. I never spend money on things that are not necessary or don't have any sort of urgency. I take my own sweet time to furnish my home and make it homey. It has been four years since I started this journey and I'm not even half way there.

First; I don't have money printed in a factory somewhere (duh!). Secondly; I would hold the unnecessary until it becomes necessary for as long as I could. (read: cheap)

So as of today, this is the result of my 4 years journey (so slow!!!!). Still have so much to do. I plan to install the laminate flooring, I have this faux fireplace design in my head for the entertainment centre and lots of other stuff. All I need is money, money and more money. Since that is the only department that I'm lacking, so I just go with the flow - the cash flow.

The living room + work nook. 

The most used area in my apartment. I seriously need to paint that entry door to some nice bright colour. The plain beige is killing me slowly inside. Seriously.

All the paint job is done by me, simply because I can't afford to hire one. 

All art works displayed were purchased while travelling.

The dining area. Not so much dining activities going on here. But you know, just in case someone decided to drop by with free meals.I need to provide the seating area.

The big mirror gives out the illusion that I own a few extra square feet of space. NOT. I hate that mirror because it gets dusty all the time and I hate that I have to constantly wipe it off.

 Wardrobe's big ass sliding doors need to be replaced. It kept going off the rail. I took it out because it was such a hassle. Isk. But had contacted the contractor and they are going to come and fix it soon-ish, I think. 

Will continue with the 2nd part of this entry. Soon.