Hello everyone, my name is Lina. I'm a Smokeaholic.

Today marks the 3rd day of my 105th attempt to quit smoking. As far as it goes, it hasn't been messing with my head, yet; like causing anger or turning me grumpy all the time.

Why the sudden change?

That's because I felt lethargic lately. At the same time, I was thinking that maybe I should quit since am not even smoking as much these days. A box would usually last me a couple of days and it became stale most of the time. Last Friday, I told Mr.Snots that *this* box would be the last box for me.

This is not cold-turkey. I have been reducing my intake for so many months. It is just normal that gradually lessen ciggies intake would eventually becomes no ciggies at all.

To be honest, I hardly smoke during the office hour because I'm usually too engrossed with my work. I don't like to smoke during hot days. The only time I smoke was usually at night when I had nothing better to do or when I was driving back from work.

This should not be hard as I have yet to develop any sort of urges or suicidal thought. So I'm hoping that this attempt should last me longer than the last time.

Tweak : Fixing the Firefox.

I have a love-hate relationship with the Firefox internet browser. I know it is one of the safest if not THE SAFEST, most convenient, well organised and all the features that would make a geeky worm goes gaga over it. Well, I am one of those unimpressed geek.

The only issue I'm having an emotional flip-flop with Firefox is the Add-On/Plug-ins feature. Why? Because it is always being automatically downloaded and once it is installed, it always search for updates. I don't need all those extra features because I prefer the native add-on free browser. Disabling it won't exactly put my mind at ease.

Although I always refuse any sort of additional downloads, sometimes I do overlook certain updates. Especially when it comes with a DEFAULT configuration.

The CULPRIT is Ask.com Toolbar. I hate it with passion! And for the past few days, it has been giving me hell.

One thing I need to remind the fans of Firefox is, when you remove your Ask.Com Toolbar, just make sure that you perform this step.

--> Go to C:\Program Files\Mozilla Firefox\components and remove the AskSearch.js file in that folder.

Because although you think by performing uninstall task and everything will magically goes away, in reality, sometimes it doesn't really completely remove all the components of the add-on/plug-ins, and these "containers" that were left behind will cause your browser to go haywire.

Example:
You will get this every time you enter any URL on the address bar. The browser freezes for few seconds and will later produce this error message. What triggers this? It is the damn AskToolbar (I would rather refer to it as Ass TooBAD). It leaves behind the file I mentioned above, and still the browser will try to call it. Stupid or what?


All you need to do is just to remove the AskSearh.js and things will go back to normal. Trust me. It is still a pain in the ass, but it is a curable pain.

One more issue.

If you are a fanatic internet user; say, you use internet 24 hours a day and browse almost all the available pages in the virtual world; you might want to, once in a while clear your cache and browser history. That what we were told to do right? and by doing that we would think that it will be gone, deleted, vanished, cleared, thrash-binned, and whatnot.

Wrong.

You need to perform this instead.

1. Go to your Start Menu, navigate to Run and enter this %appdata%/Mozilla/Firefox/Profiles/.

2. You will then be diverted to your mozilla profile folder (oddly titled with an extension .default) that housed all your configurations; like bookmark, historical data and so on and so forth.

3. Open that folder, search for this file, places.sqlite . This file contains all your browsing history for as long as you have been using your Firefox browser. The size won't become smaller just because you constantly clear your history.

4. Rename this file place.sqlite.bak or you can delete it if you want (but I would recommend you to rename it, it is always a good practice to do backup). Because this step will force the Firefox to create a new file and will give you less headache every time you want to type in a URL and the browser would "SLOWLY" trying to search for the recommended site for you, based on your browsing history.

There you go. Hopefully it is all clear now. Even the greatest and the awesome-st browser is flawed.

You know, taking up this project would not only make my body system goes haywire, but it could actually put my career at risk. I never thought of it that way, because I take pride in what I do. But that's the truth.

What ever challenging tasks they have been given me to work on all these years, I always take it as that, a challenge. I'm willing to open up my already cluttered brain, to make space for new stuff; new programming language (not new new but new to me); and learn it all by myself through online journals, joining geeky forums and also techy books. Not even once I requested the department additional trainings although I do deserve it. But I wouldn't want to waste money and time, to sit on the beginner-intermediate-expert courses, which usually covers the basic stuff, although they advertised it differently.

I'm always keen to learn new things. Although in this company, people wouldn't appreciate it, but at least it would add colours to my bland looking CV, that has not been updated for almost 5 years.

I was warned by Mr.Snots and few others that if I fail to deliver this project, then my head would be on the line. The ones approached me to save them from failing to kick-start this project in the first place, would put the blame on me, just because I agree to help them deliver it on time.

I have faith in me. I always think positively when it comes to my work. Anything can be done as requested by the technical specifications. I just have to dig deep and not afraid of making as much errors so that I could learn more and more every time.

That's how I learn anyway. I'm willing to make as much mistakes so I can create what they want and as they want it.

All that being said, it is still tiring to work in an environment where, after all these years and your contributions, people still want to see you fail.

That is why I work alone; minding my own business trying very hard to make something out of nothing. I want to show them that I have the capability to do it, and save the company a lot of money.

Although sometimes, I always feel left out, even in my own unit in this department. Most of my peers share the same ground of work, working together most of the time, but I work alone. Because whatever that I do now and the skills I have acquired through this working years, I acquired it on my own initiatives.

Orang melayu kene belajar jangan asyik bersifat dengki.

Orang melayu jangan asyik nak jatuhkan orang melayu lain.

As much as I love what I do, but don't think that my life revolves around this office and my work life. You can put me down, make up stories about me, I don't care.

Ayah selalu pesan, kalau bekerja biar ikhlas. Kalau asyik nak mengharapkan habuan, sampai ke sudah kita tak tenteram.

That's why, when the management promised me that I will be promoted if I manage to deliver this project, I just laughed it out. Trust me, as much as that promise would make an excellent reward, but it is not the one that drives me every day to wake up in the morning and to complete this project on time. I have Ayah's words lingering in my ear and at the back of my head.

That is the main reason why I do what I do. I want Ayah to be proud of me. I want him to think that, I also have the drive and sincerity for my work, as much as he takes pride of his contributions and his undying loyalty to this company.

Things I don't do anymore and I've become.

I don't watch news on the local TV any more because I'm seriously tired of being bombarded by the politicians images and their endless worthless tireless dramas.

I don't read the newspaper no more because I'm tired of its lop-sided and false journalism.

I don't iron all of my clothes diligently on Sunday any more like I used to back then, because I'm tired of my old self, and my old routine.

I don't go on any shopping spree or spend my money carelessly like how I used to when I was younger, because I realised now that I don't have to own so many things to make me feel happy. I only buy things that are needed and when only necessary. And I would rather spend my money travelling.

I don't drink alcohol at home.

I only buy perfume to replace the finished one. I don't have perfumes collection any more. One in my place, one in Mr.Snots' place. The one that is in my home is depleting fast. *hints*

I don't tolerate well with drama queens and kings. I shut them out more easily now.

I put myself first before everyone else.

If I don't feel like going out, I just tell my friend that I don't feel like going out. Before this I used to try my very best to make the time. Now, am just tired.

I only keep few appreciated ones in my small circle as close friends. Others are just considered as acquaintances, that don't really need my company or attention, vice versa.

I'm more vicious towards my selfish unworthy brothers. (not Along)

I don't care if people are pretentious towards me, because I don't care about them too.

If people talk shit about me, they are going to get it there and then. No more mercy. I have been nice for so long, it is time to stand up for my self.

I feel neglected.

I feel unappreciated.

and most of the time, I feel lonely.

Some things are better left unsaid II

"Ina!"

"Hoi" aku jawab balik.

"Wah makin tembam kau sekarang!"

"Aku yang dah ada anak tiga nih hah tak gemuk-gemuk! Kau bertambah bulat!" dia sambung lagi.

(Dalam hati: Babi)

Some things are better left unsaid.

True.

Especially when it comes to the matter of heart.

Mak selalu pesan, " Kenapa nak kejar benda yang tak tentu dapat, dan tak pernah nak bersyukur dengan apa yang ada".

Auntie Lah selalu bising. " Orang lelaki time dia orang tengah gila bayang dengan kita bukan nak masuk minang, time kita dah bosan dengan dia baru nak terhegeh-hegeh".

Profound indeed.

Family aku memang selalu macam tuh. Dalam-dalam mencarut dan gelak ketawa, banyak benda yang boleh dipelajari.

(Dalam Hati: Well atleast auntie aku dah kahwin dua kali)

*

Semalam Syu ada tanya. " Kau dengar Hot FM tak pagi tadi?"

"Tak" aku jawab, "Kenapa?"

"Pasal orang bercerai pasal hal yang tak masuk dek akal?. Ada orang cerai sebab tak tahan laki dia tak picit ubat gigi dari pangkal tiub"

"Ah serious?" Aku tanya.

"Yeap, caller tuh yang mengaku dia cerai dengan laki dia sebab dah bertahun-tahun dia cakap tapi laki dia buat tak peduli"

Dia sambung lagi,

"Kalau benda tuh pun dia tak boleh nak buat, benda lain lagilah kan?"

(Dalam hati: Banyak benda yang kene bertolak ansur. Kalau itu tak boleh nak buat, daripada nanti bercerai baik tak payah kahwin langsung!)

Things I have realised along the way

*
Virtual.

Blog is one of my not so many channels to pen down my pent up frustrations. Maybe yours too. I have to confess that I do have friends, but I don't confide in each and everyone of them. Few special ones (or maybe just one) that were (was) considered as trustworthy, would get the nitty-gritty details of my sucky life. But in blog, we can't really say anything inappropriate now can we? Because if we do,you never know that one of these days, some wacked out fella might come across it and put nasty label on you. And as much as you think you don't care of what they call you behind your back, or you don't give a fark of what they think about your online persona, and no matter how many times you have given the assurance that you are a better person in real life; but as mere mortal, deep down it hurts. Even for the first few seconds before you manage to recollect your composure and finally decide to let it go.

This is, my friend, the main reason why I don't link my blog to any site meter or to what ever gadgets to monitor my readers (if there's any) because I don't need to know who is reading my blog. All I needed is a space where people don't judge me, which I think is absolutely the in-denial side of me, because of course they do. People pass judgement all the time. But I don't hold any grudges against them. Because I judge them too. Hehe.

That is what life is all about.

We get what we give. And since I sometimes judge people, I know sometime others judge me too. I can live with it, as long as I do not know what they talk about.

But if I know, not that I have much to say anyway lah kan. The most that I could do is to tell my girls about it and that's it. It is definitely easier to mend virtual wounds. You can just erase it from your mind.

*
Hardcopy, Real Life.

I don't understand people. Malays especially. They have the tendency to humiliate others without realising it. I have been called alot of names, just because am not the typical Asian petite sized woman.

I know Malaysian prefer their woman to be small, quaint and can be held in palm and placed in pocket, but do you have to be nasty towards the bigger size women? You think we don't have feelings ker?

And am not really THAT big and tall pun. Just because they are smaller than me you know.

Is it really necessary to pass derogatory remarks about God given attributes? So yeah, you are blessed with small features, and you are only 4 feet tall, and the only big about you is your ego but that does not gives you the right to dictate people's life.

I can be nasty to them back, but what's the point you know? Cakap dengan katak bawah tempurung. They have never been exposed to the real world where people come in different shapes and sizes. They think their size is the ideal one.

Or maybe, in my opinion, they are just jealous for not having long legs which would look good in skinny jeans.

Or maybe, in my opinion, they are just jealous because they have to shop in kids departmental stores.

Or maybe, in my opinion, they are just jealous because they want what we have, and they only way that they know how to deal with it is to condemn it.

But of course, in real life the wounds and remarks stay a bit longer than in virtual world. We tend to feel a bit wary because it does affect of what we think of ourselves. Although we might not agree with it, but it scars no matter what.