You know, taking up this project would not only make my body system goes haywire, but it could actually put my career at risk. I never thought of it that way, because I take pride in what I do. But that's the truth.

What ever challenging tasks they have been given me to work on all these years, I always take it as that, a challenge. I'm willing to open up my already cluttered brain, to make space for new stuff; new programming language (not new new but new to me); and learn it all by myself through online journals, joining geeky forums and also techy books. Not even once I requested the department additional trainings although I do deserve it. But I wouldn't want to waste money and time, to sit on the beginner-intermediate-expert courses, which usually covers the basic stuff, although they advertised it differently.

I'm always keen to learn new things. Although in this company, people wouldn't appreciate it, but at least it would add colours to my bland looking CV, that has not been updated for almost 5 years.

I was warned by Mr.Snots and few others that if I fail to deliver this project, then my head would be on the line. The ones approached me to save them from failing to kick-start this project in the first place, would put the blame on me, just because I agree to help them deliver it on time.

I have faith in me. I always think positively when it comes to my work. Anything can be done as requested by the technical specifications. I just have to dig deep and not afraid of making as much errors so that I could learn more and more every time.

That's how I learn anyway. I'm willing to make as much mistakes so I can create what they want and as they want it.

All that being said, it is still tiring to work in an environment where, after all these years and your contributions, people still want to see you fail.

That is why I work alone; minding my own business trying very hard to make something out of nothing. I want to show them that I have the capability to do it, and save the company a lot of money.

Although sometimes, I always feel left out, even in my own unit in this department. Most of my peers share the same ground of work, working together most of the time, but I work alone. Because whatever that I do now and the skills I have acquired through this working years, I acquired it on my own initiatives.

Orang melayu kene belajar jangan asyik bersifat dengki.

Orang melayu jangan asyik nak jatuhkan orang melayu lain.

As much as I love what I do, but don't think that my life revolves around this office and my work life. You can put me down, make up stories about me, I don't care.

Ayah selalu pesan, kalau bekerja biar ikhlas. Kalau asyik nak mengharapkan habuan, sampai ke sudah kita tak tenteram.

That's why, when the management promised me that I will be promoted if I manage to deliver this project, I just laughed it out. Trust me, as much as that promise would make an excellent reward, but it is not the one that drives me every day to wake up in the morning and to complete this project on time. I have Ayah's words lingering in my ear and at the back of my head.

That is the main reason why I do what I do. I want Ayah to be proud of me. I want him to think that, I also have the drive and sincerity for my work, as much as he takes pride of his contributions and his undying loyalty to this company.

Kalau sesiapa yang pernah jumpa Ayah, memang tak akan boleh mengagak yang Ayah aku pernah melecur separuh badan akibat dari terkena kejutan elektrik. Aku adalah generasi ketiga dalam keluarga yang bekerja dengan Syarikat Elektrik Che Khalib. Nasib aku baik kerana ayah memberikan peluang pendidikan yang cukup, jadik kelayakan aku membolehkan aku bekerja dengan pangkat yang sedikit lebih tinggi darinya; hanya duduk mengangkang depan komputer tapi bergelar jurutera. o_O

Berbalik kepada kisah Ayah.

Ayah mula berkerja seawal umur 18 tahun. Cita-cita asal mahu menjadi tentera laut. Tapi ditentang hebat oleh Arwah Atuk kerana tentera laut bekerja berdasarkan kontrak. Jadi, masa depan tidak terlalu terjamin. Arwah atuk yang ketika itu bekerja dengan Syarikat Elektrik Che Khalib, terdahulu dikenali sebagai CEB, membawa masuk Ayah bekerja sebagai buruh. Ketika itu CEB mengalakkan pekerjanya membawa masuk ahli keluarga untuk bekerja. Jadi, hampir keseluruhan adik-beradik Ayah aku bekerja dengan CEB.

Jawatan pertama yang dipegang oleh Ayah adalah merupakan jawatan Buruh Kasar. Mengangkat tiang-tiang elektrik setinggi 15-20 kaki and membanting tulang menanamnya sekitar daerah Muar. Gaji permulaan hanyalah sebanyak RM90. Ketika Along lahir, gaji ayah hanyalah RM110. Dan pada ketika itu, dia bukan hanya menampung Along dan Mak, tetapi juga Amie, dan adik bongsunya. Ayah juga membawa arwah atuk dan nenek tinggal bersama di kuarters CEB yang menjadi tempat kami membesar.

Selama beberapa tahun bekerja sebagai buruh, Ayah dipindahkan pula ke unit substesyen untuk kerja-kerja senggaraan.

Kejadian berlaku ketika Ayah membuat kerja-kerja senggaraan di low voltage distribution board. Cutout dicabut tanpa mematikan bekalan dan menyebabkan percikan dan letupan berlaku.

Bahagian badan termasuk tangan dan kaki, abis disambar api. Ayah bernasib baik sebab auto-refleks bertindak pantas dia sempat memaling muka ke arah yang selamat. Ayah dibawa ke hospital untuk dirawat dan syukur, kerana tiada sebarang kecederaan dalaman.

Ayah tidak bekerja hampir 6 bulan. Aku masih ingat Mak bercerita, katanya, "6 bulan Mak mandikan Ayah, cebukkan dia, suapkan makan. Sikit pun aku tak merungut. Ni nak suruh pergi kedai sekejap pun malas. Ayah kau ni memang!"

Okay mungkin ketika itu Mak aku bukan bercerita, tapi merungut. :)

Tapi apa yang Ayah buat segala luka dan kesan akibat dari kejutan elektrik dan kebakaran di badan Ayah hilang?

Disebabkan pekerjaan Ayah memerlukannya berada di merata kawasan sehingga ke pendalaman, Ayah pernah berjumpa dengan orang Asli yang mengajarnya untuk mengunakan buih yang keluar dari kayu yang terbakar untuk mengubat parut-parut dan pelbagai penyakit kulit. Dari petua itulah, hari-hari Mak dan Ayah akan bakar "kayu bakar" untuk ambil buih yang terbentuk, dan Ayah akan sapukannya pada parut dan bekas-bekas terbakar pada kulitnya tanpa jemu.

Sehingga kesemua parut tersebut hilang.

Aku hanya tahu cerita ini ketika umur aku lebih kurang 15 tahun. Masa tu, aku memang terperanjat sebab tak sangka Ayah aku pernah berdepan dengan maut.

Tiga pengajaran yang aku peroleh dari cerita ini:

i) Mak memang orang yang penyabar. Aku tak dapat bayangkan macam mana tindakan aku kalau aku dalam situasi yang sama.

ii) Ayah aku dari dulu memang pemalas sebab banyak kali aku dengar Mak aku merungut benda yang sama sampai sudah.

iii) Mana aku nak cari kayu bakar untuk aku hilangkan bekas-bekas jerawat ni?

The first time I spoke of Mr.Snots to my family member, it was to Along; and his wife, and his son, the FIL, MIL. Well, I was there to pick up my birthday present from him. Approximately a year ago.

Upon hearing that I have a new man in life, and I've ditched the Ex, he immediately turned into some Pak Arab, clapping his hand in joy. They asked me a lot of questions about Mr.Snots. You know, the usual suspects. Where he’s from, what does he do, how old is he….blah blah blah. My SIL was sitting quietly looking all engrossed in her thoughts. So we continued talking about him, and Along extended the invitation for our family BBQ nite at his place to Mr.Snots. He wanted to meet him; and it was supposed to be a simple meet and greet session. Towards the end of the conversation, my SIL suddenly came up with a suggestion on what name we can use if we have kids. She came up with Suraya, and asked me to keep Mr.Snots' middle name and make it a family name. Out of no where. Tetiba jer. So malu.

So that's that.

On the BBQ night, Mr. Snots was introduced to Ayah, and the rest; Auntie Lah was there as well. If I can recall correctly, he was interrogated by Along's MIL. He was in the house sitting through a rapid fire session, and I was in the lawn BBQing. Then he accompanied my dad and my Along during dinner. Abis satu chapter.

The latest one took place last weekend when we went to his place to visit my new niece, Along's new daughter. Named Nada Zahra (makna: embun pagi yang berseri). While we were there, Nona was on the air, and they were showing the wedding ceremony between that AF judge and his bride.

So Along said, better not waste money and have this lavish wedding.

So he asked me to invite maybe 20 of my friends, and our family member, and we can rent his place for RM500 per day(then he laughed at it). Nikah at the nearest masjid, and cater the food for less than 100 people. Really simple and intimate wedding. Mr.Snots and I were smiling, but unwillingly. So he basically plan my wedding, without my consent. Great. My sister in law was giving suggestions as well.

Malu sial.

If both of them continue doing this the next time we see them, am sure Mr.Snots would end up having a cold feet and ditch me.

Sometimes, when you think everything is going fine, things start to fall apart again. It is weird on how every elements that contributed in making you happy before are now going against you.

Of late, I have been really busy and stress with work. Taking up a RM300k project and doing it alone, gives me constant headache and drains my energy. I have been putting on weight and I do blame myself for not managing my stress well and for not being strong enough to stay away from munching every time it kicks in. Last Tuesday I had to demo the first of four modules of the application I'm currently working on, and I can say that it was a success. Everyone seemed impressed and they sure did ask a lot of questions.

At the end of the day, everyone was satisfied with the final product, and I can start working on the second module.

I have a couple of art projects in mind for the apartment, such as, mural for the dining area’s wall and some plastering work for the kitchen, unfortunately I can’t seem to get myself interested in kicking-off any of the project. I have been procrastinating, and I do not know why. Coming back from work late every night doesn’t really do any good, but it does keep me in bed longer during the weekend (This is only true when Mr.Snots isn’t around. Because if he is, then my weekend would start as early as 7am; depends on what time he wakes me up)

He always says that early bird catches the worms; although I do think at that point of time, even the worms are still asleep. But never mind that.

This month is our anniversary month. We don’t get to spend it like other normal couples do on their anniversary, but it doesn’t matter; like how my dad used to say, First things first. The stars must be aligned the first time we said Iloveyou to each other, because none of us actually thought that we can make it last this long. Both of us have strong personalities, and both are hardheaded as well.

We didn’t seem to glide through every single fight we ever had easily. It gets harder and tougher every time. Sometimes, even the smallest glitch could put us in a lot of pressure. But I do miss him no matter what. So that’s love, no? If not, then I don’t know what love is.

So baby, Happy Anniversary.