The sister that I never had.

Growing up with 4 brothers was quite a challenge. My girl friends that I confided in, would usually be my mom or my aunties. This is the reason why we have such a strong bond with each other. We grew up together, we helped each other in need, then and now.

I was later blessed with little girls as cousins, and now, nieces. I have never felt awkward with them although I was the only girl in the house, and the youngest. Some would be surprise at my maternal instinct, given the circumstances. I helped my aunties / uncles / brothers babysit their kids, back then, to earn some money and of course, to be in their good book.

But for one particular cousin, I actually helped raising her. She was brought to the world when I was in Uni and I practically went back and forth so that I could cuddle and play with her, whenever I have the time during weekends, and on term breaks. She is the daughter of one of my aunties, the one that I'm really close with.I was doing all the motherly chores when I visited them. I woke up late at night to attend to her needs, bathed her and such. So, rather than being a cousin, I felt like a sister, a big sister that was protecting my little baby sister. At times, I felt like a mother to her. I love her that much.

Both of us, we always have this connection. Growing up, she wanted me to do all the things for and with her. Helped her studying, went shopping together. Took her out on a holiday, goofing around doing silly stuff. Every time I went back to my hometown during school holidays, I would stopped by her parents' place to pick her up so we can spend time together.

But that was when she was still a kid. She is now 14 and have a life of her own. She is now busy with many school and social activities, she hardly have the time to spend with me. She no longer wants to follow me to wherever I want to go or to take or drive her anywhere. She has this and that, and she would rather spend time with her friends than me.

Well, I guess that was the part and parcel of life. Now I know why mothers would like the kids to be kids for as long as they can. Because growing up will leave your heart hollow. And I'm just the sister. I wonder how my Auntie feels like.

I dreamed of hugging and kissing her when she was about 3  to 4 years old, last night. How she ran towards me and gave me this huge bear hug as if she could crush my bones to pieces. She then gave me a peck on my cheek and said, " I Love You."

Nowadays, I would consider myself lucky if I could get an I Love You, at the end of her text.

I must have missed her so much.

Of Internet and Kids.

It is entirely normal for us to constantly want to check for updates on our Twitter and FB. That is mainly the reason why push email and real time updates or refresh rates being deployed on these platforms.

I've noticed lately that all of these online platforms have also came up with page statistics and review reports; how many weekly hits that your page is getting and etc; and some more, in chart forms. This is some sort of a process that validates your existence in the virtual world. Telling you that you are noticed, attractive (in many sense there is), and most importantly, your net worth online - your value.

The number of hits, or even RTs, you are getting is directly proportionate to how "famous" you are. This sort of endless validation process; and the fact that it actually makes you feel significant, and that you matter; is what keeps these social platforms going strong.

It is scary to think that my nieces, nephew, cousins growing up having developed a fixation to attract people to validate their existential being. I don't want them to have so much of false confidence that borderlines arrogance. I don't want them to think that their constant crave for attention is a good thing.I don't want them to be online, just because every one else is.

Until now, I am able to sway myself off the virtual temptations every now and then. To be able to fall back to books or even the idiot box, is  liberating. I don't have the need to refresh the pages to know what's new and what's hot. Although sometimes, I do feel that I was missing something good that was happening when I was not checking, but immediately after the next refresh rate, all that feeling was gone.

I'm not saying that this social platform is a bad thing. But how do you limit these teenagers? I'm always at the crossroads when trying to decide whether they can use my computer or my tab whenever they come over. I want them to feel that I'm trusting them with internet, but I don't want them to feel that, they just "HAVE" to access the internet whenever they have the chance.

God, the conflict of having to deal with growing up kids and teenagers and I have many of them too. The cousins, the nephew, the nieces.

The small cosy one.

My first apartment.. it wasn't entirely mine to begin with. The ground work was instigated by my eldest brother and all I had to do was to "agree" on it. He was the one who searched for the location,  chose the apartment that he thought would suit me and of course, was within my means (given my salary at that point of time).

The thing about my brother is, he always think that he is the saviour for all of us; the rest of his siblings; and being an opportunist, I couldn't agree more. Lol. He is the responsible and good-hearted; generous to boot; rich brother. I'm forever thankful for him. So when he offered to "buy" an apartment for me, I said OK. (In my defense, if I had said no, I'm pretty sure that I'd be deemed fit (financially) and no longer entitle for any favour or assistance, and who in their right mind want to do that? LOL)

I moved into the new apartment in 2008 and it was already renovated because I was not in the country when the developer completed the project. I think my brother thought that he was being nice (and he was) by forking out all the money upfront to renovate the apartment. Well, although many was not up for me to decide (you know, not being there and all), there was nothing much that I could do except to move in and think about what I can do to make the apartment feel like "mine".

With little money I had in my savings, I started to furnish only the important part of my home. The bedroom, the living room and the kitchen. (not much of a kitchen if you ask me because i bought a single burner stove just so I could cook something easy if need be for a start.But now a full-fledge stove + oven although it has not been fully utilised yet..lol. lazy I know). Lucky me, because I have this habit of keeping all the good furniture in good condition and with the built-in fitting of the wardrobe and whatnot, there's not much to buy but to recycle and reuse of what I already owned.

I'm quite frugal when it comes to buying things for the apartment and quite picky as well. I never spend money on things that are not necessary or don't have any sort of urgency. I take my own sweet time to furnish my home and make it homey. It has been four years since I started this journey and I'm not even half way there.

First; I don't have money printed in a factory somewhere (duh!). Secondly; I would hold the unnecessary until it becomes necessary for as long as I could. (read: cheap)

So as of today, this is the result of my 4 years journey (so slow!!!!). Still have so much to do. I plan to install the laminate flooring, I have this faux fireplace design in my head for the entertainment centre and lots of other stuff. All I need is money, money and more money. Since that is the only department that I'm lacking, so I just go with the flow - the cash flow.

The living room + work nook. 

The most used area in my apartment. I seriously need to paint that entry door to some nice bright colour. The plain beige is killing me slowly inside. Seriously.

All the paint job is done by me, simply because I can't afford to hire one. 

All art works displayed were purchased while travelling.

The dining area. Not so much dining activities going on here. But you know, just in case someone decided to drop by with free meals.I need to provide the seating area.

The big mirror gives out the illusion that I own a few extra square feet of space. NOT. I hate that mirror because it gets dusty all the time and I hate that I have to constantly wipe it off.

 Wardrobe's big ass sliding doors need to be replaced. It kept going off the rail. I took it out because it was such a hassle. Isk. But had contacted the contractor and they are going to come and fix it soon-ish, I think. 

Will continue with the 2nd part of this entry. Soon.

One day at a time.

As I look back on my past relationships, I am constantly reminded of all the good things that had happened rather than looking at all the bad things that had lead to my heart being broken.

I always have THAT in me. That sense of forgiveness and trying to look pass bad things as what it was supposed to be..an experience.

My dad once told me that, "If I think about my problems all the time; how to raise you kids, my work and all of those things; I will never be able to sleep at night. I leave all my problems out of my bedroom."

I remembered the day he told me that precious lines. It was when, my brother was kicked out of the university because he got into a fight. I was just..errmm 15 years old, if am not mistaken. If I could recall the moment correctly, he was just sitting on the sofa, after he received that phone call, trying to digest the information. He said, there's nothing much that he could do and he wouldn't want to lament on things that had happened. So he got up, called my uncle and together they went to pick up my brother at the hostel.

At that point, I realised something about my dad. He can easily zone out all the "problematic" part of his life so that he could live life happily for the rest of the day. "One day at a time", he says. "One day at a time."

I'm exactly like him. Things that are not within my control, would usually end up at the back of my head. Not that it would not try to resurface itself every now and then, but I choose to not entertain it.

Running your way out of problems.

I have been receiving many sarcastic comments about my weight for the past few years. I don't think it was ever an issue because my weight fluctuates like crazy. But being 5' 6" (in this country I am considered tall) my weight according to the normal Body Mass Index (BMI) range should be around 65kg plus minus 5kgs. I have always been lean - not skinny. So putting on extra few kilos here and there, people can notice it easily. Not many of them are nice kinda people.

But being busy with work and stuff, I hardly had any time to spare for exercising. Or maybe I was just trying to find an excuse for being lazy. Either way, I wasn't getting my dose of exercise for years.

Few months ago, I started running. Owh..only God knew how painful the experience was. I only managed to run for 5 mins on the treadmill. It was so embarrassing because it made me realise that I wasn't as fit as I think I was. I overestimated myself and I felt so low. It felt heavy. I felt heavy.

From there on, I vowed to not give up. I went to the gym again the next day and hopped on the treadmill and tried running again. I forced myself to not stop running until I reach the 1 km mark. It was such a struggle, I ended up with sore muscles for days.

But the one thing I got from it was the satisfaction of reaching a goal. I wanted to run for 1km and I did. It brought a whole new spectrum of realisations.. on the way I think, the way I feel, the way I look at myself and the way I look at others.

Yeap, believe it. I got it all from running.

Every day I will try to outrun myself. From 1km, I push myself just a little bit more until I have reached a point where 3km is a breeze, 5km is how it should be and 10km is an achievement. Every day is still a struggle, but a struggle that I am willing to endure. I have yet to get that "high" all the avid runners are talking about, but since am not really aiming to run a marathon, so I will keep on running at my comfortable pace for now.

Running helps me to stay focus. What else can you do when you are running? You are on your own. Once I have my mp3 player on, I practically zone out everything else. Without pushing yourself, running alone will bore the hell out of you. Run, but with a goal in mind.

I run when am happy, and I go for a long run when I am feeling down.

I no longer depends on medication to treat my stress level. The feeling and satisfaction I get after a good long run beats any sort of medication. You should try it too. Try it slow, and never give up. Because like they say, it takes two weeks for you to notice the changes, 4 weeks for others.

So don't stop.

The year that was 2011.

The idea of updating a blog is considered passe. Everyone is now either spending more time on Facebook (of which I thought should have already run its course, but apparently not) or Twitter. I am guilty of that too. I joined the Twitter bandwagon some where in June last year (so now you know why I have totally lost touch with this blogging thing), and expressing yourself in 140 characters seems.. well..simpler.

But at the same time, I also blame both platforms because good blogs are hard to find nowadays and are not updated as frequently as I would want them to. That, people, is the hypocrite in me talking.

I hopped on to this site just now because suddenly, I was reminded of my own blog. Gosh how I have totally forgotten about the fact that I used to love blogging about stupid inane stuff. Stuff that I actually appreciate and would want to keep as memories; ok ok most of the time, I was just rambling myself to the end..but the point is; yes I suddenly have this urge to rekindle my relationship with my blog.

There were so many things happening, and am fast becoming forgetful. I can't even, sometimes, remember what I had for breakfast just a few hours after gorging on it. Don't ask me about what I did for the past few months. If I have lied my way out of anything, I might just lie again to cover the lies I once told.

2011 was hard, financially and it was emotionally draining. I worked extra hard last year, and now that I have been promoted, I swear that I would not stay late for work again. LOL.

Nah, I wish. I love my job. Not many can say that, and I consider myself lucky because I stick long enough to finally come to realisation that I actually love my job.

2011 was also the year that many lost friendships were found again. Some was just too awkward, most were just too awesome to let go (again).

2011 was also the year where I got to spend more time with my niece, and family again. Trip back home were more often that years before and I plan to keep on going back to my parents place as many time as possible.

2011 was also the year that I realise that, in this ONE life, sometimes you just have to take it easy. Why worry about things that is out of your circle of concern or control. Roll with the punches, and don't forget to take your hommies with you.

Goodbye 2011, and although I am 3 months late of wishing you a good riddance, and I'm glad that you were there, but honestly, I would never want to repeat the journey again with you.