Tertinggal Keretapi, Katebang, Bot dan Sampan.

Shot was taken in Putrajaya Power Plant, formerly known as Serdang Power Plant.

Banyaknya benda yang jadik masa aku tade idea nak update apa. Aku terlebih malas sebenarnya. Punyalah malas, sampai aku dah janji nak masak spagetti utk Mr.Snots, pun boleh tarik balik. Tak ker keji. Sib baiklah dia tuh baik. Kalaulah aku jadik BF aku sure aku dah tinggalkan aku. Dahlah pemalas, nak bangun pagi pun susah.

Apa-apa pun alasan, satu benda yang paling kecoh sekali ialah bila blog dah jadik padang sasar, tempat mengutuk dan mengeji. *Takut*. Kalau salah langkah, boleh masuk gaung. Nyaya. Banyak istilah keji yang aku belajar dari baca blog panas tuh. Banyak benda yang tak pernah tahu, tetiba leh jadik subject matter expert, sebab information overloaded. Baca entry tuh kira setakat baca mukadimah jer, all the raunchy details semua leh dapat dari baca komen. Terus aku boleh mengaku yang aku kenal betul si simpolan bin simpolan tuh. Walaupun sebenarnya tidak. Hehe. Kelakar pun ada; walaupun aku rasa sometimes melampau tahap cipan gaklah cacian orang-orang yang memberi komen. Bukan lah aku kata aku baik, cuma ngeri baca orang boleh sampai tahu hal-hal dalam kain sampai macam tuh punya detail. Sekali kau dah kene featured dalam blog tuh, sampai sudah orang tak abis bercerita. Nasib baiklah blog aku ni blog bangang.

Cerita pasal keje, aku baru balik dari course 3 minggu. Course yang company bayar dekat usd6000 semata-mata untuk dapatkan professional certificate. Bagus jugaklah aku kene pilih. Banyak exposure yang aku dapat, dari goverment office sampai lah ke private sector banyak lubang dah aku korek untuk test market.

Aku ada dapat 2-3 offer utk keje. Kenaikan gaji tadelah banyak mana. Tapi aku masih kene timbangkan betul-betul. Ni time recession, silap langkah bungkus aku jawabnya.

Cerita pasal family pulak, Angah baru balik Sabah. Cuti 10 hari, bawak anak balik rumah Mak, sebab anak dia, Kak Long, (anak sorang jer tapi dah panggil Kak Long sebab kononnya train awal-awal untuk dapat adik kata Angah aku. Podah!!) dah rindu betul dengan mak bapak aku. Maklumlah aku rasa dah dekat 3 tahun dia orang tak balik. Kak Long tuh cucu kesayangan Ayah aku. Mau taknya.. kalau orang tua tuh bawak dia pergi shopping mall, dia tak pernahnya nak pergi toys section. Selalu carik buku, or barang sekolah. Itu yang Ayah aku makin sayang. Dahlah kaki bodek. Walaupun umur baru 8 tahun, dia punya kipas bapak aku, mengalahkan kipas bersaiz industrial.

2 hari lepas, Ayah transfer duit kat akaun aku suruh bagi Ajak untuk belikan cucu kesayangan dia laptop. Mak Aiiiiii. Baran jer aku dengar. Kecik-kecik dah dapat hadiah laptop. Aku dulu, umur 8 tahun, kalau dapat pencil case baru itu pun dah kira bertuah. Paling hebat hadiah aku pernah dapat pun ialah basikal Le Run. Tapi itu pun masa umur 11 tahun.

Tak patutlah aku nak rasa jealous ker apa. Tapi tak payahlah Ayah nak belikan laptop, sebab dia tuh kecik lagi. Angah aku memang kaki freeloader. Diamkan jer semua. Orang bagi jangan tolak itu rejeki katanya. Aku rasa cam nak lempang jer. Tapi takperlah. Aku tahu Ayah memang sayang betul cucu dia yang sorang tuh. Dahlah anak sedara aku tuh pandai amik hati, pandai belajar, baik dengar cakap. So okaylah, she deserves it. Aku jer yang jealous tak sudah.

Mr.Snots cakap aku ada sindrom anak bongsu. Can't help but to compare what ever that I have with everyone. He also asked me to count my blessings. Yelah yelah. Tak syior tau. Nak mengada skit jer, asyik kene tarik telinga balik ke jalan yang benar.

Pasal hubungan kelamin (haha cam siak), i mean pasal lovelife, next month banyak betul plan nak berjalan. First week, since Mr. Snots will be working in JB, amiklah kesempatan nak menyeberang tambak. Family aku tak sambut raya haji, so bila dia offer nak pergi Singapore, apa lagi. Angkat skirt lah aku kan? Yahoo.

End of december, we'll be going to East Java for 10 days. Itu pun aku tak sabar, sebab dah lama plan, tapi sampai sudah tade confirmed itenararies lagik. Banyak sangat tempat yang nak pergi, sampai tak boleh nak decide mana nak start dulu. Tapi takper, ada lebih kurang sebulan lagi.

Pasal rerakan, can't wait for Babe's birthday getaway. It has been a long time since kita ada weekend getaway ramai-ramai kan? Tak sabar nak jumpa and spend masa dengan korang. I'll bring the WINE!!!! Toots cakap dia nak bawak beer just for the sake of it, walaupun tempat yang kita nak pergi tuh tade fridge. Tapi aku nak suggest letak dalam sungai jer. Kejap jer sure sejuk. Hehe.

Oh, one last thing before I go, Bangkok huru-hara. Jangan pergi sana. I'm sure semua orang dah tahu, tapi since aku baru tahu, so aku beritahu ler. Aku tahu sebab Mr.Snots pagi-pagi dah beritahu aku sebab dia tahu aku tak tahu. And since aku dah tahu, aku rasa obligated untuk beritahu. Tahu? Tahu kat pasar.

Later fuckers.

Things I have realised along the way

*
Virtual.

Blog is one of my not so many channels to pen down my pent up frustrations. Maybe yours too. I have to confess that I do have friends, but I don't confide in each and everyone of them. Few special ones (or maybe just one) that were (was) considered as trustworthy, would get the nitty-gritty details of my sucky life. But in blog, we can't really say anything inappropriate now can we? Because if we do,you never know that one of these days, some wacked out fella might come across it and put nasty label on you. And as much as you think you don't care of what they call you behind your back, or you don't give a fark of what they think about your online persona, and no matter how many times you have given the assurance that you are a better person in real life; but as mere mortal, deep down it hurts. Even for the first few seconds before you manage to recollect your composure and finally decide to let it go.

This is, my friend, the main reason why I don't link my blog to any site meter or to what ever gadgets to monitor my readers (if there's any) because I don't need to know who is reading my blog. All I needed is a space where people don't judge me, which I think is absolutely the in-denial side of me, because of course they do. People pass judgement all the time. But I don't hold any grudges against them. Because I judge them too. Hehe.

That is what life is all about.

We get what we give. And since I sometimes judge people, I know sometime others judge me too. I can live with it, as long as I do not know what they talk about.

But if I know, not that I have much to say anyway lah kan. The most that I could do is to tell my girls about it and that's it. It is definitely easier to mend virtual wounds. You can just erase it from your mind.

*
Hardcopy, Real Life.

I don't understand people. Malays especially. They have the tendency to humiliate others without realising it. I have been called alot of names, just because am not the typical Asian petite sized woman.

I know Malaysian prefer their woman to be small, quaint and can be held in palm and placed in pocket, but do you have to be nasty towards the bigger size women? You think we don't have feelings ker?

And am not really THAT big and tall pun. Just because they are smaller than me you know.

Is it really necessary to pass derogatory remarks about God given attributes? So yeah, you are blessed with small features, and you are only 4 feet tall, and the only big about you is your ego but that does not gives you the right to dictate people's life.

I can be nasty to them back, but what's the point you know? Cakap dengan katak bawah tempurung. They have never been exposed to the real world where people come in different shapes and sizes. They think their size is the ideal one.

Or maybe, in my opinion, they are just jealous for not having long legs which would look good in skinny jeans.

Or maybe, in my opinion, they are just jealous because they have to shop in kids departmental stores.

Or maybe, in my opinion, they are just jealous because they want what we have, and they only way that they know how to deal with it is to condemn it.

But of course, in real life the wounds and remarks stay a bit longer than in virtual world. We tend to feel a bit wary because it does affect of what we think of ourselves. Although we might not agree with it, but it scars no matter what.

Cinta dulu-dulu.

Masa kat rumah Mak arituh, aku ada tanya dengan Auntie Lah, macam mana Ayah mengurat Mak ek?

Auntie Lah adik bongsu Mak. So kiranya sure Mak jadikan dia umpan untuk tipu Atuk aku kalau nak pergi dating. Sama macam Auntie Lah selalu gunakan aku masa dia bercinta dulu. Aku selalu ikut dia dengan ex-husband dia dulu pergi bercinta sebab Atuk tak kasik dia keluar berdua-duaan.

So aku tanya Auntie Lah, caner Ayah mengurat Mak.

Auntie Lah pun mulalah bercerita.

"Dulu masa mak muda-muda, dia suka tengok wayang yang 'open air' kat Club House kat belakang dewan Jubli Intan tuh."

Aku mengangguk. "Abis tuh?"

"Mak selalu lah pergi sana tengok cerita hindustan malam-malam dengan kengkawan dia. So masa kat sana, Ayah ngurat Mak lah" sambungnya lagi.

"Yelah, ngurat camana?" Aku bertanya.

"Ayah baling kacang kat Mak dari belakang"

Masa aku dengar baling kacang tuh aku dah tergelak besar. Tapi masih boleh control lagi.

"Abis tuh?"

"Mak marah. Mak tak suka. Tapi kawan Mak yang syok kat Ayah pulak"

..dia sambung lagi....

"Masa tuh Ayah hensem. Tapi Mak tak suka sebab dia mengurat cam budak kecik."

(Now I know from where I inherited that trait from)

"Dah tuh, camna lak tetiba Mak boleh suka kat Ayah?" aku tanya lagi.

"Sebab Ayah tak berenti-renti mengurat. Last-last Mak bosan, terima jerlah"

Masa nih aku dah gelak berguling atas lantai (literally sebab masa tengah bercerita kita orang tengah baring melepak depan tv).

"Wah, sakan betul Ayah. Tak sangka."

"Memang saiko apak kau tuh! Sekarang baru tahu?"

Dua-dua terus gelak besar.

*

Orang dulu-dulu nak mengurat baling kacang jer. Kalau orang lelaki sekarang mengurat ikut style macam tuh aku rasa dah lama dia orang kene tapak kasut.

Hujung Minggu Bersama Ayah

Sudah lama aku tak pulang ke kampung. Aku mahu memberikan alasan bekerja, tapi kalau nak diikutkan semua orang pun bekerja. Aku mahu berikan alasan kesesakan duit, aku tak sampai hati. Aku mengambil cuti yang panjang untuk meluangkan masa bersama Mak dan Ayah di kampung.

Ayah tak berapa sihat kebelakangan ini. Selepas dijangkiti demam Chikugunya minggu lepas, aku perasan Ayah dah semakin lemah. Tenaga dan kekuatannya sudah tidak setara jika dibandingkan dengan keadaannya sebelum dijangkiti demam tersebut.

Ayah pun semakin sensitif. Pantang ditinggikan suara (walaupun sebenarnya secara tidak sengaja), Ayah akan merajuk dan masuk ke bilik menyendiri.

Mak pesan, "Adik, kalau Ayah cakap, Adik iyakan ajer. Nanti dia merajuk. Mak sekarang biar jer apa Ayah nak cakap. Kalau tengok Ayah merajuk cam budak kecik".

Aku mengangguk.

Bila dia sudah puas bersedih, dia akan keluar dari bilik dan duduk di depan TV tanpa bercakap, atau bertutur walau sepatah kata. Ia boleh berlanjutan sehingga ke malam hari.

"Adik ada duit?", tetiba Ayah bertanya.

Bulan ini memang aku sedikit sesak. Banyak bantuan pesakit luar dihulurkan kepada rakan-rakan dan sanak saudara yang lebih memerlukan. Sesak tak sesak, telefon aku bulan ni jer dah 3-4 kali kene potong. Sebab aku bayar sikit-sikit.

Sepanjang 30 tahun, belum pernah lagi aku rasa sesak sebegini.

Tapi aku menidakkan, walaupun aku rasa jauh disudut hati Ayah dia tahu dan sedar anak bongsu dia dalam kesusahan bulan ini.

Aku masih belum gentar walaupun aku tiada duit atau kekurangan duit. Aku gentar kalau Mak dan Ayah susah hati sebab aku susah.

"Betul Adik ada duit?" Ayah seolah tidak berpuas hati.

"Ada. Kalau tada orang mintaklah nanti ok?" Aku menjawab, dan aku terus ke dapur.

Dulu Ayah pakai seluar bersaiz 40. Badan tinggi dan tegap. Tiada siapa yang mampu untuk mengurut badan Ayah tanpa rasa sengal-sengal di otot-otot tangan. Sekarang, semakin lanjut usia, badan Ayah semakin susut. Saiz seluar dah turun ke saiz 36. Badan pun dah semakin berkedut, dan sentiasa duduk memegang dada.

Doktor pesan untuk bawa Ayah ke hospital swasta, agar pemeriksaan terperinci kepada penyakit jantungnya boleh dibuat. Tapi cuma Tuhan jer yang tahu, betapa degilnya dia. Puas semua adik-beradik, makcik pakcik aku memujuk.

Kalau sakit atau demam biasa, nak pujuk ke klinik pun susah. Inikan pula, penyakit-penyakit yang kritikal.

Aku kadangkala terpaksa bertindak seakan mengugut semata-mata untuk membawa dia mendapatkan rawatan.

"Ayah kalau tak ikut Adik pergi klinik, lain kali orang tak balik lagi. Cuti pun tak balik, raya pun tak balik" aku mengugut.

Selalunya, taktik ini menjadi.

Tapi kelmarin, "Ayah tak nak pergi klinik, Ayah penat. Sakit dada. Bagi Ayah tidur dulu" , ayat ini menyebabkan aku mengalah dan bersedih sepanjang hari.

Aku biar Ayah rehat dulu. Pasangkan penghawa dingin, letakkan sebotol air mineral di sebelah katilnya, dan juga pil-pil yang perlu diambil.

3 jam Ayah tido. Ayah tak pernah tidur sebegitu lama.

Dikala itu, aku sedar, Ayah sudah tidak seperti dulu. Ayah sudah tua. Keringat dan tenaga kederatnya sudah dimamah usia.

Spontaneity

I was hunting clouds.

What was supposed to be a surprise birthday bash planned for me was canceled at a very last minute due to someone's excitement for knowing that this coming weekend is his semester break.

"Jom! Let's get out of KL!"

"Huh? You are crazy!"

He had totally forgotten about the plan he made with my darling girlfriends about my surprise birthday party. But since this is the only window of opportunity that we have to spend time together, my girlfriends let him go (with warnings of course!) and reschedule the not-so-surprise-anymore party to a more feasible time. Thanks girls, I love you guys! Thanks for being so understanding.

..sebenarnya takut bf kene kutuk ...hahahaha

So yeah, am taking a leave tomorrow because someone decided to give me an early birthday treat (as if! am sure he has something in store for him too :P), and am off to some place nice and relaxing to chill for the weekend.

Back to the 'old faithful' where it all started. ;)

The old faithful.

Stuffs.

picture taken with EOS 350D, Location: Cameron Highland, Pahang

When I first started this blog, initially I wanted to make it some sort of a gallery for me to share my collection of photographs. The idea was stunted by the fact that after doing so much of scrutinizing, I don't think any of these pictures can be considered good enough for public view.

Takmaulah orang cakap orang nak amik gambar dia pun sibuk nak amik gambar. Tapi nan ado katanya... (haha tetiba bahasa fefonen..jgn marah)

But lately I have been getting good reviews from my flickr page and emails saying that I should give a photography a serious try. Some of them were really impressed with my "good eyes".

(matilah sebenarnya rabun ayam tapi tada siapa tahu? :P Gambar amik tada angle, sekali jer snap sesuka hati.)

Those supports and admirations somewhat injected me with a bit of confidence, and force me to think, maybe I can do this. *berangan tahap dewa*

So here I am. Back to the initial plan. I'll start to publish one or two pictures per entry, although it is not related with the entry of the day. Ok?

macamlah ada ramai sangat orang yang baca blog ni.

Taken with Nokia D60, Location : Batu Caves, Selangor

*
I now pronounce my brother a divorcee. They have officially separated on the 6th of Aug. Adik(Nasri) and him planned to have a joint celebration (Adik's birthday was on the 5th Aug) to commemorate his new found freedom.

Since after the separation, he has been taking Baby (his daughter) to my place every weekend, so that they could spend time together. I love having both of them around.

Meriah skit rumah.

So on Saturday, I'd be spending quality time with my niece while Mr.Snots can go and attend his classes. It's a win-win situation.

My fave niece. ..Baby and her cat, Kucing. *rolls eyes*
Shot was taken by point and shoot SONY DCS T5 , Location : Old Apt.

All of my nieces and nephews called me Uchu, being the youngest in the family. But Baby can never say it correctly. Most of the time she'd be calling me Achu. Close enough. But there's this one time she called me Tochu :O

Sib baik bukan tauchu. hehehe.

Her fave sentence is "Ini Baby punya". Once she blurts that thing out, don't even think of taking that stuff away from her. Even my new TV now belongs to her.

kalau tiga hari dia duduk rumah, tiga-tiga harilah kita orang semua tengok reruns of Lion King, Barney, Teletubbies and Dora. o_O

Loved and Overwhelmed.

Disclaimer.
This entry is so keji. You might want to puke or feel like killing yourself after reading this post, so consider yourself warned. Proceed with a plastic bag in hand if you will. You can choose to barf in it, or strangle yourself with it.

Pic was taken by Canon EOS 350d, location: Cameron Highland, Pahang

It has been two months since we first said iloveyou to each other, and I have officially shed tears for 16 times and counting; I am pretty sure there's a lot more coming my way looking at the rate of it. Tears of joy and love, most of the time; and tears of anger, for the rest of it. Anger triggered by my past, jealousy, miscommunication; you name it, most likely we have gone through it. We are still in the stage of getting to know and adapting towards each other, so we are certainly bound to make mistakes, lots and lots of it.

When I'm my normal erratic self (and this happens not just during the time of the month!!) ; I get pissed off, annoyed and feeling all sensitive easily. Thank god for the past two months, he has been coping with it quite well if I may say so. I can be so hardheaded at times, I am sure he sometimes do feel like pulling his hair when we are in that situation. But being cool and macho, most of the time, he would just kept quiet.

It is always so hard (no pun intended :P) between us, because although we share the same passion in life (read: gigantic power transmission towers perched all over the country, MatLab coding, boring engineering stuff, photography) we are totally on the extreme opposite side when it comes to everything else.

Firstly, he is more "Malay" than I could ever be. Even if I am the "Malay" one in this relationship, and he is not. He loves his ulam, like how i love my coffee. He knows every name of the ulams, rebung, pokok-pokok, like how the cows know its grass and grains. :P

He cooks, and I eat.

When we argue, I would like to talk things out, come clean and sort it out there and then, but he would prefer to be left alone. Just let him be for few hours, and then feed him. He'd be okay after that. (and that was his exact sentence mind you).

While I am more of the organized type, he is more hippie in a way. Everything with him is quite spontaneous.

While I do think more and need time to rethink the situation again and again and again..he acts on it.

He is the morning, early bird type and I'm just too lazy to wake up way too early regardless of whether it is my working day or not.

We do complement each other if you wish to see it in a different angle, but knowing me, am sure am going to make it hard for this relationship to work. I don't adapt and change my anally-retentive-strict-for-no-reason self that well. Here in this post, am giving my assurance that I am learning as I move along with him.

Certainly, there are moments that I would treasure my whole life, and keep on using it as an excuse/reason for me to work things out and go forward with him, no matter how difficult the situation might be.

There's this one time, it happened somewhere in June, when he was helping me out moving stuff from the old house to the new one. After chucking all the stuff in, we sat in the empty living room taking a breather... he reached for the guitar and started singing one song after another.

(He has this tendency of bursting into songs, using the words we use in our daily conversation as cues *looks at Leen* *Aries!!, rolls eyes*)

Then he sang me this one particular song from the Everly Brothers called Let it be me.

(i know, he is such an old soul trapped in a not so young body. He is ancient when it comes to his choice of music)

He sang it with such passion and feelings, both of us were totally overwhelmed by it. I was looking deep into his eyes, and he was looking into mine..digesting and absorbing every single words coming out from his mouth. Suddenly both of us cried, and we couldn't stop. It was such a freaking waterworks display.

That song touched us like nothing else can. We were totally absorbed into the moment and lost in oblivion. I never really cry for something so sappy and romantic, so I put the blame on the gloomy weather and the emptiness of the apartment area.

We were laughing and crying and alternate between the two like a bunch of hyenas. It was so embarrassing. *malu*

For the past 6 years that I have known him, I never once see this side of him. I don't know whether this kind of things happen to you guys out there often, but not to me.

I realized at that point of time, I want him in my life and for the first time, I feel that I've made the best decision to be in a relationship with him.

My early birthday present.

Sms sent @ 08/07/2008 to Along.

"Happy birthday old man. Hope ur life is blessed with good health, wealth and love from your loved ones. Especially me"

Reply received @ 08/07/2007 from Along.

"Belum lagilah"

Oh shit yeah, I wished him 2 days earlier than his actual birth date.Nak cover malu I sent him another sms.

"What did you get for yourself this year?"

"Merc E240. Am kaya what"

*scratches head*

Why did he needs to get another car for his birthday, he already has 4 of them.

"Why Merc?"

"Why not? Come next week you can test drive it"

At this point am sure he's going to brag about him being able to buy anything he wants in this world and harassing me about being poor. So I quickly sent this.

"Yeay!! Ok."

And I saw a window of opportunity to "politely" ask him to buy me my "expensive birthday gift". My birthday is next month anyway.

"I want gelang kaki for my birthday can? I want exactly like the bracelet u got me from Tiffany NY"

Few minutes later.

"Ask your bf to buy it for you lah"

"Kenot, nanti he runs away; Still very early to ask for anything"

He didn't reply. Either he was too busy with work, or just simply too lazy to entertain my antics.

*

Conversation on 12/07/2008

Few days later, when I was with Leen.

"Why didn't I ask Along to buy me the camera ek? Why would I want a gelang kaki anyway?"

I immediately smsed him, there and then.

"Dowan gelang kaki lah, I want camera Nikon D60. Pretty pleaseeeeeeee."

Tunggu punya tunggu punya tunggu, member didn't reply my sms.

"Kenapa dia tak balas ek sms aku?" I asked Leen "Usually kalau dia tak balas kan, cam few days later nanti dia call and ask me to amik at his place"

*mencebik*

*

Three days has passed, and he didn't even reply my sms yet.

On the fourth day, he called me at the office.

"What is Nikon D60?"

"It's a camera"

"How much is it?"

"Last I checked it was priced at 2,399"

"What the fuck!!! Blardy expensive"

*chuckles*

"Can buy me ah? You got yourself a Merc. I can't afford to buy it lah Along.. Pleaseeeeee."

"We see lah how"


*

Last Friday...

"Come and meet me in Park Royal tomorrow. I'm staying there for the weekend"

"Why are you staying there? Your house is in Subang!!!!!"

"Simply. To lepak-lepak and relax"

"Huh? Tak kisahlah. Kenapa you want me to datang there?"

"So you can take your camera"

"Ah??? Serious????? U bought it already?"

"Not yet, am going to get it tomorrow."

"Yeayy!! Thanks Along...Sayang Along!!!"

"Come by after 4, I see you at the restaurant. We go for hi-tea"

"Okay"


*

On Saturday.

*

P/S: I love my Along.

P/P/S: Next request : Toyota Rush .... hahahahhaha right...!!!!

Unplanned

Someone said this to me recently,

"I can easily see that there was something different about the way he talks to you, every time. Even a blind person could easily feels and detects the vibe. But I guess, you refuse to see it all and treat him nothing more than as a friend."

It is painfully stupid to admit, but I have to say that it's true.

I don't fall in love that easily, hence the 14 years of courtship although it ended rather disastrously.

I'm not trying to be a smug bitch too when I say that, I have my fair share of men, thinking that they are in love with me, or I am the one, after a brief 10 minutes of dancing. It is really tiring to convince them that I am not.

For me, a man with crush is like a dog with a boner. Give them something else to play with, he'd get off from humping your leg. All they ever needed was some sort of a distraction, then am out of the picture. Easy peasy.

But when that crush lasts for more than 5 years, I guess, that is something really worthy of my time, to actually sit and contemplate on it.

In a way, I know I have hurt him so much without realizing it. I was not aware of his feelings, and couldn't care less to actually think before I speak, or do anything a friend would do, like calling him Bongek, Bongok, and says Keji to his face like all the time. At that point, although he was one of my close friends, but he was still just a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

But I see him differently now. I could see and have finally realized that ...

He was always there for me for the past years. He was wiling to hear me whine, complaint and entertain my mood swings with a wide annoying smirk on his face. He was always trying to make me laugh every time I was sad. He admitted that he would do almost anything so that he could see me, and that kind of explain the short 30 mins course on stupid programming I was helping him with.

He said he tried to forget about his crush for me, but it was so difficult. He has been in and out of relationship so many times,but the only thing that he could think about was me.

I was flattered, but at the same time I was scared. I don't think I'm ready to do this once again.

He's trying to convince me that he would willing to give me all the time that I need; to move on, to regroup; as long as I would wiling to consider giving him a chance to make me happy. Just once. He had waited for me for 5 years, and he doesn't mind doing it for another 5.

*sigh*

This love thing works it ways mysteriously.

Sakit pinggang.

Aku sakit pinggang dan err punggung for the past 3 days. muscle strained sebab main futsal, badminton, pingpong dan berbalik ke futsal 2 minggu berturut-turut. Start dari hari Jumaat lepas, aku pening kepala sebab sakit pinggang. Pening sebab, minggu nih aku nak kene buat network utk ofis baru. Perlukan kekuatan fizikal. Aku perlu angkat barang, tarik kabel, panjat tangga dan ye, tiada lelaki yang akan offer kekuatan mereka sebab ini memang tanggungjawab aku. Kalau setakat aku panjat meja, panjat kerusi, itu adalah sesuatu yang biasa ditatap oleh lelaki-lelaki dekat ofis aku ini, tanpa sebarang komplen. Pbfth!

Keduanya, aku perlu pergi ke Giant untuk memenuhkan isi perut Adik(Nasri) aku sebab supply makanan dah susut dirumah, and mencari bahan untuk aktiviti berkelah pada hari Ahad. Aku tak larat. Nak jalan pun kene berpaut pada kerusi, almari, apa-apa yang boleh aku capai, untuk membantu aku bergerak dari seinci demi seinci.

Pada waktu macam nilah, aku bersyukur sebab aku bawak kereta automatik. Kalau tak, alamatnya, lumpuhlah aku.

So, nak tak nak, kene pergi jugak beli barang sebab aku dah janji dengan geng aku. Aku takkan tarik diri dari jalankan tanggungjawab. Aku arahkan adik menjadi runner. Aku cuma berpaut pada troli Giant yang besar. Dengan list dalam tangan, aku tolak troli dengan perlahan dan Adik pergi dari satu aisle ke satu aisle, mencari barang yang diperlukan.

"Adik pergi carik arang and fire starter untuk BBQ" aku arahkan adik.

"Ok. Jap" dia memang sentiasa jinak mematuhi.

Lama aku tunggu kat bahagian hardware. Dia tak muncul-muncul. Aku bongokkan badan, merapati troli sebab pinggang aku merengsa kesakitan.

"Kak ina, dari belakang bila bongkok macam tuh, dah macam Mak Long" adik menyerpa.

Mak Long tuh Mak aku.

"Sebijik. Tinggal lagi tak gemuk jer. Kalau gemuk, mesti orang ingat Mak Long" dia masih menyambung.

Aku cuma diam. Tak larat nak maki hamun balik. Aku sibuk menahan sakit. Rasa macam nak cabut keluar pinggang dan ganti dengan yang baru.

Bila Adik cakap macam tuh, aku tak berhenti fikir pasal Mak.

Kalau berjalan, Mak memang kene berpaut. Jalan dua tiga langkah berhenti, sambung dua tiga langkah berhenti lagi. Aku selalu ingatkan Mak, jangan selalu sibuk nak mengemas rumah, nak memasak sebab Mak bukannya larat. Tapi biasalah, memang pantang orang tua-tua, Ayah hanya berselera makan kalau dirumah. Jarang sekali makanan dibeli. Tapi kalau ada kecemasan, seperti Mak sakit, Ayah pula akan amik alih tugas masak memasak. Tapi setakat itu jer lah. Aktivit berkemas, membasuh akan diserahkan pada Auntie Lah.

Aku baru sakit 3 hari dah rasa macam nak mati. Mak aku dah bertahun-tahun gagahkan diri bangun untuk melayan karenah keluarga, walaupun rasa sakit tak pernah susut.

Bila fikirkan Mak, aku rasa sedih. So semalam aku call Mak.

"Mak tengah buat apa?" aku tanya. Soalan pemula yang standard.

"Mak tengah basuh pinggan, baru lepas makan nih." Mak menjawab. Tapi suara masih lemah.
Aku tahu walaupun sakitnya dah reda selepas jatuh harituh, sedikit sebanyak sakit tu masih lagi dirasai.

"Mak masak ker?" aku tanya dengan nada risau.

"A ah. Kesian Ayah dah berapa minggu asyik beli makanan, asyik masak. Mak pun dah tak larat nak makan kedai lagi".

"Ok. Mak kalau tak larat janganlah masak. Tunggu dah sembuh betul-betul". Aku cuba nak menasihatinya.

"Jangan risau. Mak ok" .....kemudian Mak sambung..."Harituh Kak Yin ada balik. Balik-balik menangis sebab bertekak dengan Along."

Kak Yin adalah akak ipar aku yang sulong.

"Kenapa?" aku tanya.

"Ntahlah, susah. Mak tak nak masuk campur rumahtangga anak-anak ni. Tapi kesian pulak." Mak sambung perbualan dengan rancak. Bercerita pasal sebab musabab Kak Yin balik mengadu.

Aku diam. Aku tak suka sesiapa mengadu masalah dengan Mak aku. Sebab Mak aku tak sihat. Dia tak perlu nak runsing pasal hal anak-anak. Aku pun jarang mengadu pasal masalah aku pada Mak.

"Mak ni Adik, selagi Mak boleh dengar, mak dengar. Mak kuat lagi nak tahan semua masalah ni. Mak kuat lagi untuk runsing dan risau pasal hal anak-anak."

Aku sayu.

"Macam-macam Mak dah lalui. Mak kuat lagi. Mak boleh simpan semua masalah Mak, dan masalah anak-anak".

Airmata aku mula menitis dan aku diam.

Aku sedar. Tabiat pendam masalah dalam diri sendiri, dan semua kekuatan yang aku ada, semuanya dari Mak. She has been through alot. Cuma dia pandai sembunyi masalah dan kerisauan dengan senyuman. She's my hero.

Kalau aku boleh mintak pertukaran, aku dah lama duduk Muar. Tapi Mak tak bagi. Mak nak aku rasa hidup ketika masih muda. Balik Muar tiada apa-apa katanya. Kat KL banyak benda boleh dibuat dah dicuba. Dia masih boleh menjaga diri sendiri, dan Ayah.

Aku tak tahu kenapa kalau aku terkenangkan Mak aku sayu. Sama macam kalau aku terkenangkan Arwah Abah.

On the way ke Air Terjun Tekala, aku drive agak laju. Menyusuri jalan bengkang-bengkok dengan laju. Adik mula bercerita pasal Amie dengan Leen.

"Amie kalau bawak kereta laju tau kak leen. Amie memang terror. Tapi kalau Abah yang bawak, mesti Amie bising. Sekejap-sekejap dia tengok meter, sekejap-sekejap dia jerit." riuh Adik bercerita perihal Abah.

"Adik kalau perasan Amie dah tidor, Adik suruh Abah pecut kereta laju-laju." dia sambung.

Gelak aku mendengarnya. Tapi jauh dalam hati, sayu sebab banyak pengalaman dengan Abah yang aku rindu. Aku rasa Adik pun rindu pengalaman macam tuh.

Good times.

Call me, stupid.

Bosannya tak tahu nak letak apa. Tulah orang nak blog, kau pun sibuk nak blog. Pastu cam orang bangang tak tahu nak update apa.

I've been blogging for a while now, but since the words don't come that easily, and events escaped me all the time, i hardly had any words to describe the whole shebangs of my dull life. Keluar masuk balik-balik itu jer lah, bak kata orang johor. Pi mai pi mai tang tu bak kata orang pulau pinang. Gohead gostan bak kata mak aku.

Speaking of Mak, hari tuh dia jatuh lagi. Kali nih dah 145 kali dia tergelincir sebab lantai licin. Nak aje aku tukarkan lantai jadik kayu, tapi takut kene selumbar pulak katanya. Haha. Bukan kayu tu lah mak, kayu lain.

Mak aku semalam suruh aku balik. Lama dah tak balik kampung. Kopi cap 434 pun dah nak abis. stok dah makin sikit, nafsu minum plak tiap-tiap hari bertambah. Memang nak kene baliklah pun gamaknya.

Boss pulak baru datang suruh aku keje esok. Ingatkan nak balik kampung, nampaknya nak kene tangguh lagilah. Kalau balik rumah mak bukan boleh sehari semalam. Nak kene berhari-hari jugaklah. Rumah nak kene kemas, lantai nak kene mop, rumput nak kene tebas. Siapa lagi nak buat kalau bukan aku.

Tadi call Ayah, tengah ader meeting membincangkan hal-hal negara kat kedai kopi si ah seng. Call makcik aku, belum balik keje lagi. Sejak mak sakit makcik aku jadik bibik sementara. Tolong mak ngemas rumah, basuh baju. rutin die hari-hari yang sejak dari minggu lepas. Sebab tuh aku sayang makcik aku. Tak pernah kisah kalau nak tolong sesiapa. Dia ada sms tanya nak balik bila tengok mak. Aku kata nanti, kononnya esoklah. Abis dah kene keje, tak tahu macam mana nak explain. Kalau aku balik sehari aku tak puas hati. Banyak mende yang tak boleh nak buat. Nanti bila aku balik sini balik, bontot aku panas tak senang duduk, berfikir tak sudah; tak sempat potong rumput, tak sempat kemas bilik Ayah, tak sempat nak bersihkan kipas.

Semalam aku mimpi aku beli nombor 3482 and menang sejuta ringgit. Terus aku call Mak, mintak tolong ayah belikan nombor kat magnum dan toto 4d. maklumlah aku mana pernah nak mimpi-mimpi benda-benda macam ni. Sekali sekala dapat kenelah cuba nasib.

Aku ingat lagi 4-5 tahun lepas. Masa hari jadik makcik aku yang ke 35. Ada satu sistem perjudian kat Muar ni orang panggil nombor ekor. setahu aku kat tempat lain tade. Cuma kat Muar jer, sebab orang muar ramai yang kaki judi. Termasuklah semua ahli keluarga aku. Main suka-suka jer. Bukan betul-betul. Kalau kene alhamdulillah, dapatlah cousins aku yang kecik2 tuh makan aiskrim sorang sebatang.

Sistem judi dia senang jer. Pilih nombor yang dijual. No 1 sampai 36. Kalau beli seringgit, kalau kene boleh dapat 30 ringgit. So kalau beli 2 ringgit, bila kene pulangan dia adalah 60 ringgit. Faham? Sebenarnya kalau tak tolak kamsin agent cina yang tukang amik nombor, 32 ringgit. tapi kira dua ringgit tuh dia punya upahlah. So tinggallah 30 ringgit jer.

Ok cerita pasal nombor ekor ni, result akan keluar dalam pukul 7 malam. Hari-hari ada jual. Bukan macam magnum and toto, ader certain hari jer akan bukak kedai. Belilah nombor apa-apa pun. ikut nasiblah kiranya kalau kene.

Setiap nombor ada makna tersendiri. Bak kata cina tongkang sebelah rumah atuk aku (agent die lah), "kalau lu beli satu nombor, lu kene beli kawan die maaa". Mula-mula dengar rasa nak cam nak lempang jer cina ni dok mengajar aku perabih duit tak semena-mena. Tapi betul jugak. Tips pencachai nombor kene ikut. Kalau tak menyesal.

Contoh die, kalau beli nombor 1 (representing ikan) kenelah beli nombor 5 sebab nombor 5 maknanya air, ikan kan hidup dalam air (logiknya lah). So kata dia lagi "Kalau lu mimpi tangkap ikan itu malam, lu beli nombor 1 dan nombor 5 lah. Balu besar itu kebarangkalian mahu menang"

(dalam hati, siak nya cina tongkan, sebut baru jadik balu, tapi guna perkataan kebarangkalian..hehehe tapi since tokey ni baik dengan arwah nenek aku dulu, so aku diam jer lah)

So anyway, aku ingat lagi 4-5 tahun lepas, masa hari jadik makcik aku yang ke 35. Masa tuh dia marah-marah aku sebab terlupa hari jadi dia. Masa tuh aku kat kampung. Lewat wish. Orang lain dah sms, telefon ucap selamat dari pukul 12 malam, aku baru sedar hari jadi dia lebih kurang dalam pukul 1o pagi. Itupun mak yang ingatkan. Aku call lah dia, cam biasa makcik aku meroyan...

"Ah pepeklah ko, dah terlambat"

"Oit giler ker baru kul 10 pagi lambat apa. Baru abis romen ler penat tahu tak?" aku balas

(ni memang cara kita orang cakap. korang tak payah terperanjat)

Aku tanya die," ni hari jadi yang ke berapa? Jadik sekali tak cukup ker? tiap-tiap tahun nak menjadik-jadik jer?"

"Ah babi, pepek ah ko" die jawab dan sambung lagi, "Kau tahu semalam aku mimpi pontianak datang nak mintak nombor kat aku hahahhaha"

(by this time aku dah gelak besar dah)

"uish, jap jap" aku jerit kat Ayah. "Ayah, kalau pontianak nombor ekor berapa?"

"35", dia jawab dari dapur. Dalam kepala aku dah compute baik punya.

"Auntie nyer birthday ke berapa ni? 35 ker 36?

"35", makcik aku jawab. "Pehal? kau nak bagi aku hadiah ker?"

"Taklah orang nak chai nombor ekor nih ..hahhaha"

(orang = saya = aku)

"Bangang punya anak sedara, seposen tak guna", dia meroyan.

"Isk betul ler, auntie nyer umur 35, pastu hari ni hari jadi pulak, semalam mimpi pontianak, ayah cakap nombor ekor 35 tuh pontianak. auntie perempuan and pontianak selalunya perempuan, and asyik lagi tadi marah orang pepek jer, so pontianak, perempuan, pepek semua tuh 35. Kene beli nih..." Aku explained. "Tokey giler tuh tutup kul baper?"

"Sempat lagi nak beli nih" Makcik aku dah start excited.

"Ah belikan lah dulu, kalau nak tunggu orang datang mana sempat"

(aku masa tuh kat rumah mak aku, cina tongkang jual nombor ekor dekat area rumah atuk aku and makcik aku ada kat sana masa tuh)

For the first time that day, aku main nombor ekor. Selama nih tukang tengok and gelak jer bila pakcik makcik aku dok chai nombor petang-petang masa lepak kat depan rumah atuk. Aku beli no 35, 3 ringgit, and tup tup kul 7, tokey cina tongkang declared result nombor ekor untuk hari tuh adalah 35. Aku menang 90 ringgit. Hahahaha cun.

Aku amik duit, beli aiskrim untuk semua orang, beli rokok untuk aku and pakcik-pakcik aku, beli selipar baru untuk nenek aku (sekarang dah arwah) and balance aku buat main tikam. Layan adik-adik sepupu aku enjoy tikam dapat hadiah. Sampai duit habis.

So sekarang aku tengah tunggu no 3482 aku naik tak first prize kat toto or magnum. Esok baru boleh beli sebab toto and magnum bukak esok. Hari ni tutup. Kalau tak dapat grand prize, dapat consolation pun jadiklah.