I was doing my annual splean clinging (sic), or to all the normal people out there with normal tongue; spring cleaning; yesterday to toss out some of the unnecessary things that had been piling up all these years in the storage room.

While I was filtering through every single things, I found a couple of pictures and letters from my past relationship. It's funny to think about it now, because if I were to discover these stuff back then, when I was still in devastation, I would probably cry my eyes out. But yesterday, I felt different. I was actually laughing and thought that my past relationship was really naive and innocent, (well maybe because that pictures were taken when we were about 18 or 19 years old, of course we looked naive and innocent). But that's not the point.

The point is, I had moved on. I no longer feel all hung up on my past. I let it passed, and I've passed it. I tore up the pictures and threw away the letters, and filled up my nice lil boxes with new love letters from Mr.Snots.

I felt rejuvenated. I felt relieved. As if a big burden had been lifted off my shoulder. I always knew that I no longer feel anything for him and that whatever that I have with Mr.Snots is what I've always wanted in a relationship; The bond, the attention, the things that we share, the trust (still working on that, apparently it is really hard to establish a trust); But the reassurance that came unexpectedly in a form of crumbled papers in dirty old boxes, relieved me from my past.

You know what they say about this, yesterday had passed and today is what matters now, it's a gift that need to be cherished, that is why they call it present (or some shit like that).

Fun Weekend.

Pfth!

I was back in Muar for the long extended weekend.

Drove back with my cousin and her boyfriend, and picked Adik up in Melaka before heading back to Muar. Adik wanted to spend the remaining of her school holidays at my Mom's place.

My family was never a big sahur family. Yes, when I was young and was just started fasting, we were forced by Mak to wake up for sahur, but since we are all adults and mementingkan tidur dari makan, the only obligation that my Mom has this fasting month is to remind us to eat something before we sleep, or the very least, get up to drink glasses or bottles of water to keep us hydrated.

But this time around, with Adik in the house, my mom has specifically instructed me to kejut Adik up for sahur, and make sure that Adik has plenty to eat.

Since I was the one responsible of taking care of her (well, dah bawak dia balik kenelah jaga), so I have no choice but to agree.

I set my alarm clock at 4.30 a.m and knowing my laziness, I gave myself a time buffer of 15 mins to roll about before I finally get my lazy arse up.

Sunday morning, at 4.30 am sharp, surprisingly I woke up almost immediately after I shut the alarm and watching Adik sleeping beside me so soundly, I tiptoed out from the room, washed my face and brushed my teeth. Pergi dapur, panaskan the chicken soup and rice from berbuka time, fried telur mata kerbau, then only I woke her up.

I asked her to wash her face, brush her teeth and teman her for sahur. After she had finished eating every bit and pieces of the nasik and telur, although reluctantly, I asked her to turn on the TV and wait for the food to settle in her stomach before going back to sleep. At the same time, kejut Mak and Ayah for their sahur drinks, kemas meja, basuh pinggan, masukkan baju into the washing machine, and by the time I’ve done with all those things, it was almost 6 a.m and Adik was already asleep infront of the TV.

This is my first time taking charge of the sahur time, making sure everyone is good to puasa the next day.

And all I can say is, NOT BAD!!

This is my first time updating this blog through my handphone. It makes me feel hip and techy. Coolness. Hehe. Or should I use the word Poyoness instead.

About yesterday. I've managed to scratch off a couple of items from my to-buy list. So this morning, am going to search for the remaining items, and quickly come up with today's list.

Am going off to Ace Hardware to get the all the things to finish off my mural today. We'll see how ugly it turn out to be. Later.

Why I do this.

I've been cutting down my expenditure due to the economic crisis. Really.

I've set up a to-do list, and also manage some financial planning and expenditure scheme, to help me stick with it, just in case I forget or stray away from my future plan of having a financial freedom (ewah!).

So what are the things that I've managed well for the past one month?

1. I no longer buy expensive coffee (starbucks, coffee bean and etc). I save up RM45 per week, because I usually spent close to RM15 for the grande sized coffee atleast 3 times a week.

2. Limit my expenditure to what is necessary. I list everything out, and prioritise it according to its importance. So instead of buying mineral bottled water from the hypermarket , somewhere around RM12/12bottles 1.5L x 2 (RM24) per every month, I would masak air sendiri before tidur, and top up the bottle bila dah sejuk the next morning.

3. Changed all my light bulbs in my apartment to energy saving bulbs. I spent more on the upfront, but hopefully it will provide me with a high ROI in terms of electricity bills.

4. I don't wear "branded" (middle range) stuff anymore. No more online shopping for Victoria Secret undies/undergarments, no more ZARA jeans (well I restrict my ZARA jeans purchase to 1 helai setahun, during bonus time). For shoes, I love Clarks because it is comfortable and it usually lasts me longer than any other shoes. But my craving for shoes is restricted to only 1 Clarks every year, or until I wore the old one out (which ever comes first). Untuk kasut kerja, I found one store that offers superb collection with low price. SUMMIT. Freaking comfortable and you can send your shoes back if rosak and they fix it for you for free!!! Get the member card RM15 for 2 years, and you'll get 15% off for normal purchase, and if there's a sale, 15% off on top of the reduced price. Baju, back to FOS and Padini Chain Store. For padini, since the cycle of their collection is really fast, I don't purchase my baju kerja at normal price or new arrivals, but tunggu sebulan, then they'll give 50% or maybe 70% off during the clearance.

5. For handbags, I made a promise to myself that I will use all the bags that I currently own; all the purchases from Paris and around Europe (which is more than a year dah) and Bangkok; sampai sekarang ada yang belum pakai. No more purchase sampai semua koyak rabak.

6. Before this, I spent almost RM100/month on my reading materials; books and magazines. Women Health, Easy Living, Apartment, Glamour UK and all those fabulous imported mags. But now, I buy them one month late. It makes no different really, except that I get to purchase it at RM9 per mag some even RM5, because it is outdated and the store need to clear it out asap. Favourite mag store - Sun Mag @ Cineleisure. Books; tunggu warehouse clearance.

7. Store canned and dry goods. Like mee hoon, spagetti, all kinds of pasta, sardines etc, so that if am at home, and I am hungry, I can just cook something simple and filling. Tak payah keluar beli or buat delivery. I've been doing that for almost a month now, and it works. I hardly spent more than RM50 for food every week during workdays. Now, my mission is to make and pack my own breakfast / lunch to the office.

8. I want to learn how to bake. Nak buat cookies and keep it in a jar, and belajar nak buat bread (Still trying to mintak Along to sponsor me my breadmaker, so mahal tak mampu beli sendiri). So bila my niece and Mr.Snots (both are known to be avid snacking creatures) datang, we don't need to buy tonnes of snacks. It will be healthier too. Both need that extra nutrition because those two babies are still growing. Hehe.

9. I have this small irritating and membazir habit of letting the tap running when I'm in the kitchen or in the bathroom. Sebab pemalas nak bukak tutup air. Sekarang dah tak buat dah. Although the bill was never more than RM20, basically free, but it is just a bad habit.

10. Buy perishable items when necessary. Beli bila nak masak. Instead of simpan lama-lama and bila tak pakai, then ended up buang.

11. Spending lesser time at the shopping malls actually help me to curb my shopping habit to the extreme. I was never a crazed shopper pun, cuma I usually spend money unnecessarily. Now, I only go if I need to buy something, or nak tengok wayang.

Honestly, I know am not so much of a big spender before, but I never think that I can actually save up more than I ever did. All I need to do is to control and monitor my spending habit.

So proud.

It's 1.44 AM and I am still wide awake.

Normally I would go to sleep somewhere around 10.30 to 11 PM and most of my friends know that I'd be cranky if I don't go to sleep on time.

But that has certainly changed now hasn't it?

I have just finished working on an assignment for the Business Management Course for my quite-close-but-not-that-close friend who is also my ex-clerk yang currently taking up a part time Bachelor Degree Course in OUM.

I have been helping him out with assignments for the past 2 years; mainly on assignments that require much research and analysis; because I know for the fact that he can't manage to do all the homeworks that have been assigned to him and to complete it on time.

He is almost 35 years old, married with 5 kids. I'm obliged to help him. I want to help him. Why? Simply because he is a good man, and he had strived his way up to where he is now by being patience and nice to everyone around him.

When he started working, he had no high school qualification or whatsoever. A drop-out. Now he is already half way of completing his degree. If that is not aspiring then I do not know what else is.

He is a hardworking man, in my opinion, it is just that sometimes he can't juggle too many things at one go. Well, it is given that man totally sucks at multitasking innit?

Alah, lagipun not all the assignments that I have been helping him with is really that hard to complete. Some might requires me to spend more time than I usually do on research and reading, but then nothing beats the rush I have inside of me on learning new things, something that is out of my comfort zone and territory. It is a good exposure I may add, because I've always wanted to do my MBA and working on his assignments and from all the research I've done, I think I can do well if not great.

Being an engineer my whole working life, my brain has been trained to think structurally, calculatively and imaginatively (not artsy fartsy imagination but the fact that we learn things that we can't see or touch like the flow of electric current, electromagnetic field, F=M*A , A=(v-u)/t and all those engineering stuff) so it was always difficult for me to churn out big , pseudo intelligent words ;) and also business jargons to describe and to elaborate on all things business and management. Hell, I can't properly goreng and make my gorengness believable even when I was doing my karangan.

But now, I can proudly say that I can goreng a bit. Not really THAT good, but at least when people ask me about the concept of management and whatnots, I won't sound too dumb or look blurred. Kan?

Kene bunyi pandai walaupun tak berapa sangat.

I think this year alone, I have acquired more knowledge and pick up a few new stuff in comparison with past years. Ok lah not bad. Probably my next target is to read one technical book a month. (Tiru this habit from my ex-Deputy Chief Engineer and he is so knowledgeable and basically considered an expert in anything)

Sounds boring eh? But I don’t know. Just a plan anyway. If tak jalan, then just cover a few chapters is good enough. Just for a refresher course, so that the neurons in my brain could store and hold on to the information longer.

Gosh am so hungry. It’s time to find something to eat, and force myself to sleep. It is going to be a long day tomorrow.

Good nite.

You know, taking up this project would not only make my body system goes haywire, but it could actually put my career at risk. I never thought of it that way, because I take pride in what I do. But that's the truth.

What ever challenging tasks they have been given me to work on all these years, I always take it as that, a challenge. I'm willing to open up my already cluttered brain, to make space for new stuff; new programming language (not new new but new to me); and learn it all by myself through online journals, joining geeky forums and also techy books. Not even once I requested the department additional trainings although I do deserve it. But I wouldn't want to waste money and time, to sit on the beginner-intermediate-expert courses, which usually covers the basic stuff, although they advertised it differently.

I'm always keen to learn new things. Although in this company, people wouldn't appreciate it, but at least it would add colours to my bland looking CV, that has not been updated for almost 5 years.

I was warned by Mr.Snots and few others that if I fail to deliver this project, then my head would be on the line. The ones approached me to save them from failing to kick-start this project in the first place, would put the blame on me, just because I agree to help them deliver it on time.

I have faith in me. I always think positively when it comes to my work. Anything can be done as requested by the technical specifications. I just have to dig deep and not afraid of making as much errors so that I could learn more and more every time.

That's how I learn anyway. I'm willing to make as much mistakes so I can create what they want and as they want it.

All that being said, it is still tiring to work in an environment where, after all these years and your contributions, people still want to see you fail.

That is why I work alone; minding my own business trying very hard to make something out of nothing. I want to show them that I have the capability to do it, and save the company a lot of money.

Although sometimes, I always feel left out, even in my own unit in this department. Most of my peers share the same ground of work, working together most of the time, but I work alone. Because whatever that I do now and the skills I have acquired through this working years, I acquired it on my own initiatives.

Orang melayu kene belajar jangan asyik bersifat dengki.

Orang melayu jangan asyik nak jatuhkan orang melayu lain.

As much as I love what I do, but don't think that my life revolves around this office and my work life. You can put me down, make up stories about me, I don't care.

Ayah selalu pesan, kalau bekerja biar ikhlas. Kalau asyik nak mengharapkan habuan, sampai ke sudah kita tak tenteram.

That's why, when the management promised me that I will be promoted if I manage to deliver this project, I just laughed it out. Trust me, as much as that promise would make an excellent reward, but it is not the one that drives me every day to wake up in the morning and to complete this project on time. I have Ayah's words lingering in my ear and at the back of my head.

That is the main reason why I do what I do. I want Ayah to be proud of me. I want him to think that, I also have the drive and sincerity for my work, as much as he takes pride of his contributions and his undying loyalty to this company.

Kalau sesiapa yang pernah jumpa Ayah, memang tak akan boleh mengagak yang Ayah aku pernah melecur separuh badan akibat dari terkena kejutan elektrik. Aku adalah generasi ketiga dalam keluarga yang bekerja dengan Syarikat Elektrik Che Khalib. Nasib aku baik kerana ayah memberikan peluang pendidikan yang cukup, jadik kelayakan aku membolehkan aku bekerja dengan pangkat yang sedikit lebih tinggi darinya; hanya duduk mengangkang depan komputer tapi bergelar jurutera. o_O

Berbalik kepada kisah Ayah.

Ayah mula berkerja seawal umur 18 tahun. Cita-cita asal mahu menjadi tentera laut. Tapi ditentang hebat oleh Arwah Atuk kerana tentera laut bekerja berdasarkan kontrak. Jadi, masa depan tidak terlalu terjamin. Arwah atuk yang ketika itu bekerja dengan Syarikat Elektrik Che Khalib, terdahulu dikenali sebagai CEB, membawa masuk Ayah bekerja sebagai buruh. Ketika itu CEB mengalakkan pekerjanya membawa masuk ahli keluarga untuk bekerja. Jadi, hampir keseluruhan adik-beradik Ayah aku bekerja dengan CEB.

Jawatan pertama yang dipegang oleh Ayah adalah merupakan jawatan Buruh Kasar. Mengangkat tiang-tiang elektrik setinggi 15-20 kaki and membanting tulang menanamnya sekitar daerah Muar. Gaji permulaan hanyalah sebanyak RM90. Ketika Along lahir, gaji ayah hanyalah RM110. Dan pada ketika itu, dia bukan hanya menampung Along dan Mak, tetapi juga Amie, dan adik bongsunya. Ayah juga membawa arwah atuk dan nenek tinggal bersama di kuarters CEB yang menjadi tempat kami membesar.

Selama beberapa tahun bekerja sebagai buruh, Ayah dipindahkan pula ke unit substesyen untuk kerja-kerja senggaraan.

Kejadian berlaku ketika Ayah membuat kerja-kerja senggaraan di low voltage distribution board. Cutout dicabut tanpa mematikan bekalan dan menyebabkan percikan dan letupan berlaku.

Bahagian badan termasuk tangan dan kaki, abis disambar api. Ayah bernasib baik sebab auto-refleks bertindak pantas dia sempat memaling muka ke arah yang selamat. Ayah dibawa ke hospital untuk dirawat dan syukur, kerana tiada sebarang kecederaan dalaman.

Ayah tidak bekerja hampir 6 bulan. Aku masih ingat Mak bercerita, katanya, "6 bulan Mak mandikan Ayah, cebukkan dia, suapkan makan. Sikit pun aku tak merungut. Ni nak suruh pergi kedai sekejap pun malas. Ayah kau ni memang!"

Okay mungkin ketika itu Mak aku bukan bercerita, tapi merungut. :)

Tapi apa yang Ayah buat segala luka dan kesan akibat dari kejutan elektrik dan kebakaran di badan Ayah hilang?

Disebabkan pekerjaan Ayah memerlukannya berada di merata kawasan sehingga ke pendalaman, Ayah pernah berjumpa dengan orang Asli yang mengajarnya untuk mengunakan buih yang keluar dari kayu yang terbakar untuk mengubat parut-parut dan pelbagai penyakit kulit. Dari petua itulah, hari-hari Mak dan Ayah akan bakar "kayu bakar" untuk ambil buih yang terbentuk, dan Ayah akan sapukannya pada parut dan bekas-bekas terbakar pada kulitnya tanpa jemu.

Sehingga kesemua parut tersebut hilang.

Aku hanya tahu cerita ini ketika umur aku lebih kurang 15 tahun. Masa tu, aku memang terperanjat sebab tak sangka Ayah aku pernah berdepan dengan maut.

Tiga pengajaran yang aku peroleh dari cerita ini:

i) Mak memang orang yang penyabar. Aku tak dapat bayangkan macam mana tindakan aku kalau aku dalam situasi yang sama.

ii) Ayah aku dari dulu memang pemalas sebab banyak kali aku dengar Mak aku merungut benda yang sama sampai sudah.

iii) Mana aku nak cari kayu bakar untuk aku hilangkan bekas-bekas jerawat ni?

The first time I spoke of Mr.Snots to my family member, it was to Along; and his wife, and his son, the FIL, MIL. Well, I was there to pick up my birthday present from him. Approximately a year ago.

Upon hearing that I have a new man in life, and I've ditched the Ex, he immediately turned into some Pak Arab, clapping his hand in joy. They asked me a lot of questions about Mr.Snots. You know, the usual suspects. Where he’s from, what does he do, how old is he….blah blah blah. My SIL was sitting quietly looking all engrossed in her thoughts. So we continued talking about him, and Along extended the invitation for our family BBQ nite at his place to Mr.Snots. He wanted to meet him; and it was supposed to be a simple meet and greet session. Towards the end of the conversation, my SIL suddenly came up with a suggestion on what name we can use if we have kids. She came up with Suraya, and asked me to keep Mr.Snots' middle name and make it a family name. Out of no where. Tetiba jer. So malu.

So that's that.

On the BBQ night, Mr. Snots was introduced to Ayah, and the rest; Auntie Lah was there as well. If I can recall correctly, he was interrogated by Along's MIL. He was in the house sitting through a rapid fire session, and I was in the lawn BBQing. Then he accompanied my dad and my Along during dinner. Abis satu chapter.

The latest one took place last weekend when we went to his place to visit my new niece, Along's new daughter. Named Nada Zahra (makna: embun pagi yang berseri). While we were there, Nona was on the air, and they were showing the wedding ceremony between that AF judge and his bride.

So Along said, better not waste money and have this lavish wedding.

So he asked me to invite maybe 20 of my friends, and our family member, and we can rent his place for RM500 per day(then he laughed at it). Nikah at the nearest masjid, and cater the food for less than 100 people. Really simple and intimate wedding. Mr.Snots and I were smiling, but unwillingly. So he basically plan my wedding, without my consent. Great. My sister in law was giving suggestions as well.

Malu sial.

If both of them continue doing this the next time we see them, am sure Mr.Snots would end up having a cold feet and ditch me.

Sometimes, when you think everything is going fine, things start to fall apart again. It is weird on how every elements that contributed in making you happy before are now going against you.

Of late, I have been really busy and stress with work. Taking up a RM300k project and doing it alone, gives me constant headache and drains my energy. I have been putting on weight and I do blame myself for not managing my stress well and for not being strong enough to stay away from munching every time it kicks in. Last Tuesday I had to demo the first of four modules of the application I'm currently working on, and I can say that it was a success. Everyone seemed impressed and they sure did ask a lot of questions.

At the end of the day, everyone was satisfied with the final product, and I can start working on the second module.

I have a couple of art projects in mind for the apartment, such as, mural for the dining area’s wall and some plastering work for the kitchen, unfortunately I can’t seem to get myself interested in kicking-off any of the project. I have been procrastinating, and I do not know why. Coming back from work late every night doesn’t really do any good, but it does keep me in bed longer during the weekend (This is only true when Mr.Snots isn’t around. Because if he is, then my weekend would start as early as 7am; depends on what time he wakes me up)

He always says that early bird catches the worms; although I do think at that point of time, even the worms are still asleep. But never mind that.

This month is our anniversary month. We don’t get to spend it like other normal couples do on their anniversary, but it doesn’t matter; like how my dad used to say, First things first. The stars must be aligned the first time we said Iloveyou to each other, because none of us actually thought that we can make it last this long. Both of us have strong personalities, and both are hardheaded as well.

We didn’t seem to glide through every single fight we ever had easily. It gets harder and tougher every time. Sometimes, even the smallest glitch could put us in a lot of pressure. But I do miss him no matter what. So that’s love, no? If not, then I don’t know what love is.

So baby, Happy Anniversary.

The storm is approaching Koh Ngai Island.

I have a lot of things to say about our current political scenes, but I would just shut my potty mouth for now.

Outsourcing is a bitch. Especially for small businesses and you can see it for yourself in Phuket.

I just came back and I swear that I would never go back there again. It was not even worth my time and money. It was a pleasant stay for me 5 years ago, but now, everything feels as if they are trying to leech out every cent off the tourists.

Some of it was pleasant, but most of the encounters were horrible.

Most of the shops are now manned by either Nepalese or Bangladeshi. Before this you can only see or hear them screaming and telling you that you need a suit or two, maybe pants, shirts and also tie, and they can tailor made it for you in 24 hours. Right? Now they have ventured into other businesses; selling all those nice craftworks, pretty dresses and bags, souvenirs and whatnots. The business owners, usually the locals, have outsourced it or hired them because they speak better English. Like what the fuck right?

I miss bargaining with a Thai girl; all panicking and blushing when I asked for too low of a discount. I miss that warm accommodating smile that welcomes you to their shop.

Most of these Nepalese and Bangladeshi salespersons were rude, arrogant and condescending. They think they run the country and they are the engine that moves the economy or some shit. Their mere existence irks me.

Tuktuk experience was even worst. My friend wanted to go to the Hard Rock Café to buy a shot glass for her collection. Since we weren’t too sure about the location, we flagged down a Tuktuk, asked him to send us there. He sent us there alright. The fucked up thing was, it has been closed down; yet he charged us 200bhatt for a 7-8 minutes ride? Felt like someone just punch me right on the face; might as well kick me in the gut while you are at it.

That felt like renting a chauffeured Mercedes with a fuckwit as a driver. A pretty fucked up arrangement. He should have just mentioned it to us that Hard Rock Café was no longer in operation, easy as that.

Blardy leeches I tell you.

Sometimes, when I look at all those little kids running around screaming in the shopping mall, I always ask myself whether I’m capable of being a good mother.

How does it feels like having little ones at home waiting eagerly for you to come back from work, and hoping that you would bring back something for them.

I know I'm not so much of a perfect example if I were to be one, but am sure at some point in life that thought crosses their mind; at least before they are blessed with their little ones.

Life has been so weird lately. There are so much of things happening within a short period of time, I'm not sure whether I should be grateful or should I be scared of what's ahead of me. I know that life is unpredictable like that; but when it keeps on throwing you that curveball, you can’t help to wonder what the hell is wrong?!!!

I also can't freaking grasp the ideal way of how I should live my life. I know I have been telling people that I want to live my life as I want to; but I don't exactly know how. Should I have a plan? Should I live it dangerously? Or meticulously?

If the answer is yes for any of the questions above, then I guess am screwed.

I don't exactly have a plan. I don't actually take risk. (Not willingly at least). Most of the plans I have somehow always seems to revolve around places to eat or clothes to wear.

I want to be able to have something to look forward to; and at this point of time I don’t have any of that.

Work has been so fucked up. I have been telling Mr.Snots that every time I step into the office, I would immediately feel the stress pounding on me. My shoulder would feel strained, and I always end up with migraine at the end of the day.

The weather is so damn screwed. I can’t stand the heat wave; and sometime it makes me feel like killing someone. It is weird that I was known to be a beach bum and I can blardy stand the scorching hot sun burning my skin; but now I can’t even lie down on the sand for too long because I’d get burnt real bad plus rashes. Everything is taking its 180 turn on me.

and;

On mother's day, I was asked to watch this one Hindi Movie titled 'Taare Zameen Par' on Channel ZEE by Mr. Snots (hehe i know) about a dyslexic kid; and through out the movie, I was crying like mad. I was a mess. I guess, I'm still my father's daughter because he would cry also if he watches Hindi movies, especially the oldies.

I'm going off to Phuket tomorrow. So play nice.

I can't wait for my Bali trip with the girls.

But kesian Mr.Snots. His birthday is on March, 30th and I'll be flying off on April 1st. This is supposed to be his first birthday that we are going to celebrate as a couple, and I was thinking of spending the whole week with him, but I had purchased the ticket even before we started seeing each other.

Speaking of trips, I have been travelling around lately. I work hard, so I balance my life with a good quick getaway to keep my mind sane.

This month is the only month that am not on any vacation or some sort. Eh but then, I was in Terengganu for 5 days, so can I consider that as handling a business and mixing it with pleasure? Not really a vacation but sort of. At least, I got to stay in a room facing the wide open sea. So oklah.

Next month, I'll be going to Phuket, with Mr.Snots and a bunch of my colleagues and most probably Pulau Perhentian in June.

People think that I'm like the super rich person that's why I can afford to go on for a vacation every month.

What people do not know that I'm a savvy traveller, and I travel cheap; oh and also a charitable Along that is easily melted everytime I tell him that I want money and I love him. Haha.

But seriously; I travel cheap.

I don't spend so much money on shopping (unless am in Bangkok).

I rather spend my time taking pictures and learning about the places am visiting.

Lying on the beach reading books, getting a traditional massage, or whatever that can help me calm myself.

That for me is a heavenly getaway.

I suck at finding a matching and catchy title for my blog entry. From now on, it will be deemed irrelevant and unimportant. Why bother when people can just read the entry straight away.

I met with my girlfriends a couple of weeks ago, after two years of not seeing each other. Last I saw them was a few months before my work took me to Europe.

Things have changed so much for them. Two of them are now pregnant with their second child, one is trying to conceive, and another one sounded extremely chirpy when she talks about her girl.

Me? Nothing has changed since, except for my expanding girth.

We have been friends since standard 1. These were the girls that I met and made friends on the first day of school, and we stayed friends until now. So we did quarrels, and I lost count how many times we had misunderstandings, how we envied each other and whatnots, but we stayed friends no matter what.

We have our ups and downs. But what strengthen the friendship was our honest feelings for each other. How we always hope for the best and happiness for everyone.

On the day, I decided to tell them that my application to another school was accepted, was the moment that each of us will remember our whole life. All five of us were crying. As if that we would lost each other's friendship, and that I would just forget about them. That moment, I knew that I want to keep them in my life, all the way until I die. We cried and we cried, then when we were tired, we ordered food and drinks.

There are a couple of questions that have been bugging them. I notice this during our conversation. Like how they sometimes feel that it is not nice to talk about their husbands or children because they don't want me to feel left out. But please, being single in this group doesn't mean that I should be left out on any juicy details on their marriage life. That is not fair. :)

Being girlfriends, I know that they are always concern about me. I'm the only one who is still single, and looks like there's no certain time in the near future that I would settle down, having my own family and breed children like them. But the thing about this situation with them, unlike with others, I can feel their sincerity, their honesty and they are not mean-spirited. They also want me to be happy, just like them.

They are not pretentious. They are not smug married. They know that their marriage is not perfect either and that they do have their own sets of problems, but they want me to experience what they have experienced. The joy and happiness of having a family. Their out of body experience giving birth to their first born. They want to be able to chat with me about all those memorable moments without me being in total lost. I know they meant well.

All I have to say is, I'm not sure what the future holds for me. I'm not sure that whether I will have my own family, or I am going to be blessed with children running around screaming in my house. I do not know whether my relationship now would end like how it should be (I can only hope for the best), but don't be so sad for me.

I am happy. Not all the time, but still, 70% of the time is still acceptable. I'm not saying that I don't need someone to make me feel content, whole, or what ever feelings that married people have. I do, just not the time yet.

They are also concern about my biological clock which is ticking faster by the day. If I get married too late, I might not be able to conceive.

Well, this part is not that complicated for me. My family is like Brangelina's brat-pack, but sans the multinational and multiracial genes. My grandmother had so many adopted children, she could rival Jolie-Pitt anytime. My aunties adopted a couple of children as well, even when they have their own.

We were taught to think that, if we can't have our own children maybe that means God wants us to help some unfortunate souls out there. Bring them into our family and make it our own. And all of those adopted childrens (my uncles, aunties and cousins) are our family, and I love them, as much as I love everyone else.

So that sorted already. If I can't concieve, I'll be like Angelina. Running around adopting children but still hot.

Don't worry too much. I'll be fine.

Things I don't do anymore and I've become.

I don't watch news on the local TV any more because I'm seriously tired of being bombarded by the politicians images and their endless worthless tireless dramas.

I don't read the newspaper no more because I'm tired of its lop-sided and false journalism.

I don't iron all of my clothes diligently on Sunday any more like I used to back then, because I'm tired of my old self, and my old routine.

I don't go on any shopping spree or spend my money carelessly like how I used to when I was younger, because I realised now that I don't have to own so many things to make me feel happy. I only buy things that are needed and when only necessary. And I would rather spend my money travelling.

I don't drink alcohol at home.

I only buy perfume to replace the finished one. I don't have perfumes collection any more. One in my place, one in Mr.Snots' place. The one that is in my home is depleting fast. *hints*

I don't tolerate well with drama queens and kings. I shut them out more easily now.

I put myself first before everyone else.

If I don't feel like going out, I just tell my friend that I don't feel like going out. Before this I used to try my very best to make the time. Now, am just tired.

I only keep few appreciated ones in my small circle as close friends. Others are just considered as acquaintances, that don't really need my company or attention, vice versa.

I'm more vicious towards my selfish unworthy brothers. (not Along)

I don't care if people are pretentious towards me, because I don't care about them too.

If people talk shit about me, they are going to get it there and then. No more mercy. I have been nice for so long, it is time to stand up for my self.

I feel neglected.

I feel unappreciated.

and most of the time, I feel lonely.

Dear Girlfriends,

Friendship is all about trust. But of course, being human, I've killed a couple of friendships I once had by betraying the trust. I was foolish, and you can say that I was kinda selfish as well.

Trust is earned by being a good friend, being there for your friend when they need it, and also the one that was entrusted upon you when they share their dark secrets, or just secrets.

People can easily blamed and judged their own friends when they thought that their trust and friendship were betrayed. That I fully comprehend. But when it comes to friendship, not all is lost. Some can be fixed given the time and space.

Different people have different perspective and needs when it comes to friendship. Some need it to keep them grounded, some need it as their support system. I need friends because I can't stand to be alone and also partly because I get to be myself when I'm with them.

I have always wanted to be accepted and to be loved unconditionally by my friends. I've always wanted the sort of friends that will be there during high time, and during the time when everything seems to fall apart.

I have that kind of friendship nowadays. Friendship which is more trusting. My friendship with you. If I could freeze those times when you were trying your very best to lift up my spirits when it needed some lifting, and when you were so concern about my well being and my health, and how happy you were to know that I'm happy, I would.

I can't say that I'm a good friend. But I will also try my very best to stay in your loop.

I will try my very best to contribute; be it emotionally, financially, or morally; when needed.

So girlfriends,

No matter how you think that the world is against you and all your surrounding comes crushing down on you, remember that you will always have me. You have given me so much within these past years, the least that I could do is to give you back that love and attention you once poured on me.

I realised that sometimes I can be so harsh. Although I didn't mean to hurt you, but you got hurt any way.

Sometimes I feel mad, angry and sad because I can't just take all your problems away from you so that you could be the person that you were before.

Sometimes, I feel useless because I can't do anything to help you get through any of your problems.

Sometimes, I feel that we should just team up and beat the crap out of everyone that would hurt you. Whether they do it on purpose or not is not the issue. But when I put my thoughts in order, most probably each of us need to beat each other up instead, because somewhere along this friendship, we might have hurt each other without us realising it.

But the best thing about friendship is, you forgive. You let go. Just pray that all bad experiences that we had encountered together have somehow taught us a lesson or two.

All's well, ends well. Trust me.

I love you.

Twisted Tongue.

I have a difficulty in pronouncing certain catchy phrases in English. Especially the ones that could twist your tongue to the extreme.

Like this one;

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

Usually it came out as;

Si shell si shell by the si sor.

Retard. I know.

I can't even pronounce Fish Sauce properly. It came out as Pis Chos instead.

Or;

She saw a saw under the see-saw.

U get the drift right?

My tongue would go numb everytime I have to pronounce the letter S or H, or S and H together in the same word, or S and H within the same sentence.

Cilakak betul.

And since Mr.Snots has somewhat realised this, he would bug me until kingdom comes.

"Dear dear, please make my day and pronounce Fish Sauce! Cepat!"

Bongok!

Some things are better left unsaid II

"Ina!"

"Hoi" aku jawab balik.

"Wah makin tembam kau sekarang!"

"Aku yang dah ada anak tiga nih hah tak gemuk-gemuk! Kau bertambah bulat!" dia sambung lagi.

(Dalam hati: Babi)

Some things are better left unsaid.

True.

Especially when it comes to the matter of heart.

Mak selalu pesan, " Kenapa nak kejar benda yang tak tentu dapat, dan tak pernah nak bersyukur dengan apa yang ada".

Auntie Lah selalu bising. " Orang lelaki time dia orang tengah gila bayang dengan kita bukan nak masuk minang, time kita dah bosan dengan dia baru nak terhegeh-hegeh".

Profound indeed.

Family aku memang selalu macam tuh. Dalam-dalam mencarut dan gelak ketawa, banyak benda yang boleh dipelajari.

(Dalam Hati: Well atleast auntie aku dah kahwin dua kali)

*

Semalam Syu ada tanya. " Kau dengar Hot FM tak pagi tadi?"

"Tak" aku jawab, "Kenapa?"

"Pasal orang bercerai pasal hal yang tak masuk dek akal?. Ada orang cerai sebab tak tahan laki dia tak picit ubat gigi dari pangkal tiub"

"Ah serious?" Aku tanya.

"Yeap, caller tuh yang mengaku dia cerai dengan laki dia sebab dah bertahun-tahun dia cakap tapi laki dia buat tak peduli"

Dia sambung lagi,

"Kalau benda tuh pun dia tak boleh nak buat, benda lain lagilah kan?"

(Dalam hati: Banyak benda yang kene bertolak ansur. Kalau itu tak boleh nak buat, daripada nanti bercerai baik tak payah kahwin langsung!)